"He's got the whole world in His hands...."

I know, I'm way behind on this whole blog updating thing.... Sorry, cyberspace.

The last 2 weeks have been packed with...well, packing, for one. We're in the last week of the Evangel team being here, and trying to finish up as much of the major projects and moving as possible before they leave. It's meant long and often tiring days because we're trying to negotiate American sized furniture through Japanese sized doorways and into mini-vans. Then of course, there is the issue of having 5 people living in a house with 10 people's stuff and a bunch of random church stuff. The floors downstairs are supposed to be getting replaced, but we aren't sure if they will be able to get put in before we have to move all of the heavy furniture.
---

Evangel Team + Melissa photo op!

Indian restaurant

Update... we're done! The projects list has been finished, and there is an entire weekend ahead with nothing critical on the to-do list! It feels so great, knowing that all of the major things to do have been taken care of. Hopefully once I return from Osaka there will be a few days that I can go back to campus and hang out with people again. We were supposed to go to Ueno Park tomorrow for a "fun day" but that plan has been altered since a) Tokyo is supposed to meet what remains of Typhoon Neoguri and b) several of the Carters, plus Justin, are currently under the weather with some random bug that's going around. Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't catch it. So far it seems to be staying away, and I really hope it doesn't decide to surface when I'm in Osaka. That would just be no fun at all! PS: Don't worry too much about the typhoon warning. We're stocked up on groceries, and the church is perfectly stable and dry. By the time it gets to us it's supposed to have been downgraded to 'tropical storm' and be further towards the coast.

Precious... :) 

Alletha and I had the joy of experiencing a Japanese "juku" or "cram school" this evening. We were asked to come teach a lesson to two different classes. The woman who runs the school is a Christian and she attends the JICA  Bible study each week. Lindsey has apparently gone to this juku and taught before as well. Because it is a Christian, English-emphasis school, it's okay to talk about the Bible stories and stuff. I wasn't sure what to expect or to prepare for, all we knew was to have an hour long lesson ready to go. We chose to do the story of Jesus walking on the water / calming the storm (apt timing due to the incoming storm). And we had a few Sunday School songs ready to teach them as well as a game and a craft in case time kept going. The first hour was going to be 1st graders, and the second hour 3rd-4th graders. I was pretty nervous going into it, since I've never really taught anything for small children, let alone via interpreter. And the stories about Japanese jukus can be a little intense. I imagined a very rigid school structure and kids that would not be very interactive. What I found however, was completely different! Maybe this was the exception to the "juku-school rule", but I was blown away! Here was this Japanese Christian after-school tutoring program, where the kids are hugged and greeted every day, and given treats for their birthday. One little girl's birthday was today and the class sang to her and she got a prize out of the box. Precious.

These crazy 10 year olds... 

Here's what else I loved seeing. I loved seeing how God is raising up this new generation in Japan. I loved hearing Miki testify on the drive to the juku about this mother who recently got baptized, and her belief that the harvest was coming. I loved watching little kids learning English, and then being taught the Bible stories in Japanese at the same time. There is HOPE for these kids to change their nation. A new generation, that is aware of who Jesus is, and even grew up hearing about His power and ability to change lives and care for their needs. And apparently, the Bible stuff doesn't bother their parents at all, it is sometimes a selling point for people. What an opportunity! I'm excited to return after my trip to Osaka for two more encounters with these kids. They are living proof that God can be explained in a Japanese context, and He is just as relevant to their lives as He is to people in any culture.  And I really want to talk with Karen now about the juku system, Japanese education, and her philosophy on things.

Last week we also had the opportunity as a team to go with Melissa to a conversation class that she teaches at the community center in Tsukuba. It was mostly 50-60 year old Japanese people who wanted to continue to improve or maintain their English skills. Each week they read an article and discuss it. She invited us to join as guests this week because the article topic was "Christianity's History in Japan". Listening to the discussion between all of the class members was fascinating. We had such  fun conversation about religion's impact on a society, and also their opinions on Christians.
At one point in the article, it had mentioned the discrepancies between the word 'sin' and the way it is translated in the Japanese Bible. No joke, one of the guys asked "What is sin, exactly?" Can you say open door? Wow. And then we spiraled into some fairly blatant telling of the Gospel and the importance of Jesus to the Christian faith. It was great! Not in an "evangelical, we-will-convert-you" type of way, but just in a "Hey, this is why Christians talk about Jesus all the time...we think He loves people and wants to bring us back together as a family of God" way.

God is so relevant here. The work is hard, but the truth is truth despite the difficulties. And the love that the Christians in Japan have for each other and for their lost friends and family is inspirational. Nothing brings out the deepest parts of faith like living in a country where you are a minority. I've got just over 3 weeks left here. I'm loving every moment of it...even when I'm struggling to understand what's going on or why. I know it will be incredibly difficult to leave. Increasingly, I tell myself... "It's okay, you'll be back again one day."

*He's Got The Whole World In His Hands, Sunday School classic?

Panorama of a Japanese arcade!

"The stone was rolled away....His perfect love could not be overcome..."

Another day, another blog post.  There’s a lot to write about this particular past few days…I’m most likely going to consolidate some stories and just hit the highlights and the take-away points. If you’re really interested in more details, well… ask me in person, I guess!

We’ll start with the social highlight of the week – my first trip to Tokyo! I had so much fun reconnecting with Sayaka and China. It was great to explore the big city for the first time, and having a Japanese speaker with me made it so much easier to feel confident. I love Japan, but it is not very “foreigner friendly” for people just trying to tour around alone. The train system was feasible and some restaurant menus, but otherwise, I’m quickly realizing how much you need to study the language. While in Tokyo I saw Skytree, Shibuya, Roppongi, and Akihabara.

Kakidori!! 

And dinner on Thursday may have been the biggest highlight of the entire weekend, because we found an avocado café !! For those who don’t realize this, Sayaka and I spearheaded an avocado party when she was in the US last time. Everything we ate had to include avocado in the recipe. And they have a café, in Tokyo, where the entire menu is avocado. It was SO amazing!! She and I were overjoyed to find it and try things. We had avocado nachos, avocado margarita pizza, and an avocado filled with cream cheese, salmon, and salmon eggs.

Almost to the avocado cafe!

 Excellent, and fairly reasonably priced. It was one of those random hole-in-the-wall places but I’m so excited that we had the chance to try it together! I’ve really missed my WSU-KSGD girls. I’m so excited to be in Osaka next month and spend even more time with them.

<3 

Seeing how Japan’s group focused culture works has given me a new appreciation for the friends from Japan that I’ve met. I mean, it’s uncommon for them to form new groups, and it’s rare for new people to be accepted into a group that’s already been formed. It’s such an honor for me to have been friends all of these wonderful women and feel like they reciprocate the friendship.  I didn’t realize when they were at WSU how difficult it would have been to do the same thing in Japan… I’m so lucky. So incredibly lucky. 

As for other adventures this week…I started driving! Driving on the left side of the road, anyhow. It’s confusing, but really kind of empowering. I feel like the world is just that much more open to me now! Claire, bless her sweet self, took me out driving on Wednesday so I could get the hang of things. And she showed me how to get to JICA, which I also did (successfully) and Friday evening! Rachel and I lead worship for the JICA service, with Jesse (from Angola) on bongos. It was actually a lot of fun! I’ve never done anything quite so… leading-esque. I’m doing a lot of leadership stuff here. It’s a little weird, since I try so hard not to be the “take charge” kind of person. That got me in so much trouble as a youngster, I’ve worked hard to tone that quality down. But this summer, I’m seeing it emerge a lot more. Not sure if this is a good or a bad change. I just hope that the rest of the team isn’t put off by this particular factor.

An old group picture, but still a good one!

Speaking of the team, really, they just continue to be more awesome! It’s so much fun getting to know everyone better and better, and I’m learning so much! Really, it’s like being in house full of people who are all experts in things I don’t know enough about. Everyone’s studied Biblical languages a little bit, and Andrew has his degree in it. Justin’s a film and broadcast guy, Alletha is biology, and Rachael, music (especially theory and history). So we make for a crazy mix, but it’s great. J Strengths and weaknesses are all able to be so complimentary. God knew what He was doing with this group, that’s for certain.   I love it. So much.

The 5am return to TICA

It’s so much fun! We were adventuring on Mount Tsukuba at 2am on Saturday morning, driving these narrow mountain roads, passing Yakuza drift racers, singing hymns, and trying not to get lost. Our morning hike turned into a shunpiking adventure down the mountain, around Tsuchiura, and back to the city. It was early and crazy, and such a blast. Seriously, the adventures that make stories that make memories. :D

God is teaching me so much about what His community looks like this summer. It’s so wonderful. It’s also scary to think about going back to the States. Similarly to when I was in Haiti, you have to return knowing new things and being unable to completely explain them to other people, because they weren’t in that situation with you. With the Haiti team, there were others returning with me. This will be different, since my team in Japan will be all over the country.  I’m going to have to work hard to communicate the things I’ve learned and seen, and also have patience and not expect other people to just “get it”. Though I am so excited to see what next semester has in store. I’ve already gotten some new ideas since being here.

I had a really interesting conversation with Asuka, a non-Christian who has been regularly attending the church here with her husband (who is a Christian). She has some great insights into both Japanese and Christian culture, and said some things that really made me think. I'll write about that later, maybe. For now, it still needs to be processed. 

We're really tough, you know. 

 I'll end this blog post with some pictures from me, Addie and Hudson playing with the photo booth on my laptop! 

May the force be with you??

Parlez vous français??

*Forever, Brian Johnson

"Though the world moves like mad... You alone are faithful..."

Walking from Tsukuba Center to TICA....
the gorgeous Japanese countryside!

Wow! So much has been going on the past few days, it’s almost overwhelming just to think of writing it all down. I’m ending each day feeling both super productive and exhausted, as well as energized. We have been doing a lot of work in and around the church that has been “dirty work”. It’s a lot of organizing and cleaning, de-junking random closets and storage rooms and cupboards, and many hours in the heat, humidity, and/or crawling on our hands and knees. This week became the “renovate the church” week. Basically, there are 3 or 4 major projects on the to-do list for this summer and it seems that we are trying to do all of them in the same 72 hour period. Not that it’s a bad thing – get all of the mess cleaned up and put away ASAP. It just makes for some very long days. Father’s Day was on Sunday, so everything we are doing needed to be finished by then. Our painting projects were thrown off schedule as we had to buy more paint (the store was closed one day), and then the next day, return the paint twice because the wrong color had been purchased. Until we finish painting, we couldn't move the furniture back or organize all of the miscellaneous supplies, books, etc. So everything was on hold until that was finished.

 Despite the exhaustion, we have also had a lot of opportunities to meet more people. Between all of the Bible study groups and meals on campus, there are many new connections to be made. I am constantly counting down the hours until our next trip to the university. And what I want to do the most is just go meet new people!

Some of the ladies from the
JICA Bible study

Me and Qiuxia, one of the XA
students from China

It’s a little tricky now though, since we have a larger group. I am learning that I need to communicate a little better. And also to have grace and patience with people who don’t or can’t operate on my time schedule. That’s one of the biggest things I am needing to continue realizing day by day. My vision for this city and community is pretty much limited to 9 weeks. But there are people here who see a much more long-term vision. If what is most important long term is me renovating the church building, then that’s what is most important! If fellowship with the university students is the priority, then it needs to become my priority. If me stepping back and not trying to take over the agenda is difficult, that probably means I need to work on that area more.

Still attending Japanese language class
to gain new vocabulary!

We’re having a great time as a team, though! No matter what project we did, there’s been a crazy story or hilarious moment. All of our crazy days sweating for hours working and moving things have resulted in lots of laughs and good quotes. We’re experimenting with new recipes and trying fun things at the grocery store, and have recently even begun adventuring out into the city unaccompanied! Gasp! ;) Okay, I’d done that before the rest of the team got here, but it’s fun to keep testing the limits. Alletha’s friend Hiroyuki came to Tsukuba yesterday and we went out to dinner. Two of us had to take a bus there since his car is too small, and so I got to ask the lady at the bus station how to get to the mall that we wanted. [Basically, it was “ Sumimasen… nihon go chotto dekimasu. Busu wa LaLa Gardens ni dore desu ka?” And the nice lady wrote everything down in romanji for me! But I understood the explanation!] It was actually really fun! I’m getting this sense of fearlessness about getting around – which may be bad, but so far it is just empowering! The dinner at a conveyor belt sushi place was really awesome. I spent just over $10 and got a really wonderful meal of 5 different types of sushi, edemame, pineapple, and a matcha cake for dessert. Afterwards, we thought it would be possible to take the bus back…so we sent Hiroyuki in his car alone. What we realized later was that the buses stopped about 45 minutes before we wanted to leave. So, it was a late night walk home (approx. 90 minutes) with all of us a little perplexed at the craziness of the situation, and poor Justin nearly dying as he hopped on crutches all the 3.5 miles back.

Sayaka

China

On Thursday I get to go into Tokyo for the first time! I’ll be meeting up with China and Sayaka from one of the WSU-KSGD groups! Haven’t seen either of them in over a year and I am so excited! It’s gonna be really great to catch up with them. China works there now, so Sayaka and I are staying the night at her apartment. Please be praying that this could open doors for some good re-connection and conversation with these sweet girls who I absolutely love! I'm looking forward to seeing the country through their eyes. It’s beginning to already seem like I leave much too soon. I’ve got 5 more weeks in Tsukuba, and another week after that in Osaka. But really, there is so much to see and do! So many people on campus I want to meet! And I’m finally catching on to a little bit of Japanese. Leaving is gonna be sad. Luckily, it’s far enough off that I can stop writing about it now. Hahah! 

I feel so blessed to have the opportunity of living here. Really, I’m learning so much about Japan, God’s work here, other people’s stories and experiences, and just missions work in general! Some things are confusing to me, and some systems are a little bit frustrating and inefficient. But other parts of life here are really eye opening and spark new ideas and thoughts about what might work in the US world of international student outreach. It’s making me really excited for next semester because there are so many things I want to try! God hasn’t really given me a big “Ah-ha!” moment yet. But I’m having a lot of small realizations that I trust will turn into a cohesive picture eventually. Keep praying for that, I guess. I want to take away from this trip what God wants me to, not just what I think I want to.

Weird selfie after a very long day...
;)

 *Those Who Trust, Salvador

"As distant hearts begin believing...Redemption's bid is unrelenting...."

Konnichiwa!!

View of Tsuchiura, neighboring city

Yes, I realize it has been more than a year since my last blog post. I'm sorry....that's totally my bad. :P
Since I am in Japan this summer, several people have asked me if I would be updating my blog occasionally. Answer? Yes! This post will be a little bit of a synopsis of the trip so far, and I'll try and include a bunch of pictures. Hopefully later I will have more time to post about thoughts and observations, etc. But it's nearly midnight and I am determined to get this finished! So here goes.

Shinto shrine at Tsuchiura's "Turtle Castle"

Tsukuba is quite the city. It is a little Pullman-ish, to tell the truth! The city was planned and built only 30 to 40 years ago for the purpose of becoming a science university and research city. So here it is, in the middle of the rice paddies, a 200,000 resident research city. It's beautiful, and green, and modern, and intelligent, and a weird clashing of Japanese traditions and those of the 7-8% foreign population (pretty much a record high for any city here). They have these awesome signs in the city center declaring "Rural? Urban? No, Rurban!" and "Tsukuba: Take a walk, meet a PhD". Yes, it's pretty much true on both counts.

And I have!

What am I doing here? Wow, so many things! My main goal is campus ministry at the University of Tsukuba. The Chi Alpha group is about 7 or 8 students meeting weekly for a Bible study that goes through the Book of Hope. Part of their outreach strategy is to advertise it as free English practice, since apparently it is uncommon to be able to talk with native speakers at no cost. A lot of those that attend are actually graduate students from Africa! I was here by myself for about 10 days before being joined by four students from Evangel University ( the big A/G college in Missouri). We're going to be working together to do outreach on campus, plus a lot of miscellaneous projects around the church. The Evangel team seems awesome - and it is really nice to have some partners in this venture, and peers to talk to about what is going on in Japan. Learning about other people's hearts for this country has been so cool. I love seeing the passion that the foreigners here have for the lost. Really, it's uniting us together on this crazy mission. I have no doubt that fruit is going to come. There's a revival ready in this place!

The central plaza for Univ of Tsukuba

The church is awesome! It's the coolest slice of multicultural and multi-denominational Kingdom that I've seen. There are Christians from the US, UK, Philippines, Kenya, Eritrea, Nigeria, Cameroon, Japan, India.... all here in Tsukuba for one reason or another, all learning what community looks like. It's really impressive, actually. We don't see this much diversity in the US churches. And we rarely see this much diversity as far as church backgrounds, either.

Walked to this cool rose garden
for some post-church fellowship!

There are people coming to Tsukuba International Christian Assembly with Anglican, Catholic, Methodist, A/G, Baptist, and zero church backgrounds. But because Japan is only about 1% Christian, you just cling to what is accessible. And here, finding a church is hard. Finding an English speaking church is hard. TICA is so diverse that everything is in English and also in Japanese.

Speaking of the language, I'm sooo grateful for all of my Japanese friends who have taught me vocabulary. Minna wa sugoi! Arigatou gozaimasu!!! I have used almost every word I know already, in the short time I have been here. Every little piece is helpful. And I am learning to understand a lot more spoken Japanese, even if I can't really reply. But I can register key markers, like if things are questions and what kind of question, what tense the verb is in, and some subject/topics. I've had a few conversations already in "Japan-glish", where we are both using the words that we know and nodding in agreement at the things we sort of understand. Being able to read hiragana has been amazing. Working on katakana, and it's coming much faster here than it was in the US. Pretty much for survival since very few signs are in English. I really enjoy going out by myself though, because I'm forced to try out the things I do know. And it's payed off! At the very least, people can usually understand what I need, even if I cannot understand what they say as a reply. For example, I successfully asked a group of girls for directions on campus, and they didn't bat an eye at my question. But I only got about 20% of the directions they gave before I was totally lost in the vocab.

The students from Indonesia at the university undergraduate club "matsuri"!
Basically a food festival where each club has a booth. :) 

Chi Alpha members playing
Ticket to Ride at our first social event

Random things about Japan that I am finding confusing, hard, or weird include: the way you dispose of trash, driving and walking on the left side of the road, reading almost anything, and talking with or asking questions to store workers (I had to play charades to explain needing anti-itch hydrocortizone cream. It was not the easiest conversation).

Random things about Japan that I am finding fascinating and awesome: vending machines everywhere! I'm eating "mystery food" almost every day because I can't read the label. And I am constantly pleasantly surprised. Things are delicious. And healthy. Vegetables and fruits are all different sizes than we see in the US. The carrots (ninnjin) are massive and the watermelon (suika) are tiny! The "bowing" culture is new to me but kind of fun to figure out. Paying in yen is also legit. And taking the bus!

I love the grocery store!!

My first vending machine purchase

I guess that's pretty much the basic overview. I'll do my best to write more next week that's a little more in depth with stuff. Thanks to everyone who is praying and encouraging me and the team! Excited for the weeks ahead! :)





* Relentless, Hillsong

Sunset over my new "backyard"
<3 <3 <3 

"So far away from where you are...These miles have torn us worlds apart....And I miss you"

Yep, it's that time again! What is 12:30 am, Alex?  (excuse the lame Jeopardy reference. Man, I love that show like a nerd...) I can't believe we are only 1 month away from the end of year THREE!! How is that even possible? So much difference in my life between then and now. It will be such a fun ride to see what the next year holds.

Easter Sunday with Sayaka, Tong, Aika and Brianna

I'm trying to think what is really new and unusual in life lately. To me, it feels like a lot of the same thing, and a lot of me just loving what I do and who I am with. College is good, I finally finished the last 'real' exam between now and Finals week. All left to do is papers and daily work, which feels a little more manageable and it is operated on MY time, which is also nice. Granted, there are 2 papers due which I haven't even started yet. One is for Math 320, and so I am expecting to be able to ramble through that one without much trouble. The one for my middle eastern history class needs a little more effort than it's received thus far, but I have all of next weekend to work on it.

Next weekend is Mom's Weekend on campus, but I'm cloistering myself instead. I told mom not to come over this time - she's travelled east enough for one semester, plus it's a big homework weekend for me. The following Saturday, we're gonna go to a Chris Tomlin concert instead, and that will be our 'thing'. I won't likely be home again until...sometime mid May? even then, it will only be for a few days.

Related to that, yes, I am officially in Pullman for the summer! And I am so excited about it! :) My purpose and ministry are here now, so it just makes sense. Full time job, good friends, beautiful weather...all in a region I love so much. Don't get me wrong, there are things I will miss about being home for the entirety of the summer, but most of those things will still get seen and done, just in short weekend increments. I plan to go home for at least a 4-day weekend every month, and probably a full week in July (can't miss Go 4th in Longview!), so I'll see my family, and get to catch up with friends here and there... although frankly, very few friends are going to be there in the first place. Plus a wedding or two which will require me traveling west, and it may end up being more time than I think my parents are expecting. They're not super stoked about the idea, but they are trying to be supportive and see the logic in my decision.

Starting June 22nd, I'm legally bound to an apartment! Brianna, Audrey and I signed a lease last week, so it is official. I can't believe it, but I'm excited for the new adventure. And it will be an adventure, and a learning curve, I know. Good for everyone, I hope. We're doing pretty good so far tracking down all of the necessary items and planning out how life will work differently living off campus. For me, the main challenge is going to be balancing time at home and time on campus. My tendency already is to feel guilty taking nights to just be, and not see any international students, and I will have to be careful not to take on more of that than is healthy. It's gonna be important to have roommate-only nights too.
I am excited though! The complex is great, and almost all of our 'would like to have' items are checked off the list. It's another topic where I can tell my parents aren't 100% on board with the idea...and I haven't completely figured out where the hesitation is coming from. I hope that once I'm officially moved out of Honors and they get to see the apartment, that the excitement will come. It's happened that way every year so far with all my previous dorm situations. Plus, I'm saving so much money this way! Which will take pressure off of them, I hope, coupled with the fact that I am praying for a good financial aid package.

Oh - praise report! The new group of students from Kansai Gaidai University in Japan arrived! So far, I have met three of the girls, and I'm trying to reach out to them in a non-pushy way. They don't know why I'm so excited to meet them, but that's okay. :) Time will grow our friendship, I hope. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if it didn't. I'm trying to prepare myself to say goodbye to the beautiful girls I've already had the privilege to know this year, and it's so hard. We've really started to get close in the past month or two, and I consider them as much my friends as anyone else here. *sigh* I just wish I spoke Japanese...or Arabic...or Chinese. It would make the cultural differences seem a little smaller, and it would help me get to know them so much better! Even when their English is great -- there are some things that can't be expressed in a 2nd language, and so I never get to know that part of them. Summer bucket list - keep studying languages!

Crazy face pictures with Yocchi <3

It feels good to be positive again. I've been going through waves of discouragement and loneliness for the last while. This week was really great and I actually felt like myself - even though Satan was attacking my heart, I had strength to tell him to back down. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for being my supporter and intercessor.

Tomorrow I'm checking out a new church with Aika. Should be fun, and a good chance to spend more time with that girl! ;) I love our conversations, even if they are scattered amongst intense study sessions. Then later tomorrow night is Japanese movie night! Woo! Gonna be a good Sunday.

*From Where You Are, Lifehouse

"Hopped into a cab, take me anywhere"

Wow, it's sure been a long time since I wrote anything. I feel like there's a lot to say, and yet....not a lot to say when I am unsure of the audience and readership of this blog. Lots has been going on since camp. I've been processing a lot, dealing with ups and downs in so many parts of my life, and most definitely avoiding typing any of it out. If this blog entry was to have an underlying theme, it would most definitely be that of running/avoidance.

I feel like I've been running a lot lately. Although very little to zero "physical running" (that's a whole 'nother emotional and physical issue I need to work through), mentally and emotionally, and probably spiritually as well to some extent, I'm running. I've been running from the reality of how much school work I have to do, and the overwhelming sense that I won't measure up..that I will fail. I reached a point at the beginning of the month when I literally thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was two minutes away from dropping a class and not caring at all what the consequences were. Thankfully, the shroud of common sense I had told me to wait until after the dreaded exam was over. Good call, Lane. Good call. I'm working on two big research papers and supposed to be preparing for the SURCA. Academically, my quota is more than met. It's going to be a rough next few weeks as the end of the semester draws closer and closer.

Emotionally, I've been sprinting. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in balance, a steady, emotion-controlled rock. Outside. Inside, I'm all over the place. I'm stressed, confused, grieving, overwhelmed, and lonely just as often as I am at peace, joyful, confident, and trusting. Often times more than two or three times in the same day. It's exhausting. And so I keep running from what's going on - trying to avoid what I'm feeling and hoping it just  goes away. I know that doesn't work, but it sure can be "fun" to try. Usually that just means that my subconscious catches up with me big time in the quiet moments or the times when I'm asleep.

And due to all of my confusion and avoidance of reality here, I'm struggling to feel connected to the spiritual reality that I know my soul craves and desires to be united with. It's hard to focus on God. It's hard to want to prioritize Him when everything around seems so much more pressing. Such lies my foolish heart will believe! The hardest thing is knowing the lie but feeling powerless to reduce its hold on my existence. I need to be better at claiming truth over myself. I need to be less reliant on my strength and more abandoned to God's.

So many changes going on this year - I'm overwhelmed by it all. I'm running from the change, too. I haven't been home for any noteworthy length of time all semester... which has been good and bad for that. It's been good because I haven't had the down time to really think about it. As long as I'm "away", then nothing at home changes. In my head, everything there is all the same. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm still grieving and adjusting to what happened over Cmas break. I miss my friend. That's just how it goes. And this past few months, a few other friends have been making life choices that pain me to watch. I don't know how to help them...and that's a harsh thing to deal with too. Being away from home makes all of these things feel less "real". I can forget that they exist for a while. The changes in Pullman will be more than enough to keep me busy emotionally for the rest of the semester.

All that to say, Spring Break has been much needed. I know I've done less work than needed doing...but at the same time, I can't survive another 6 weeks without a mental health break. I've needed the sleep, and the freedom to sit on the couch and not feel guilty. I needed to get out and away from all of the responsibility and commitment that comes with my week-to-week routine in Pullman. It's been such a wonderful blessing....I am definitely NOT ready to go back yet. I think about what needs to happen when I return and I don't know how it's all getting done. Add into my regular list the fact that I'm sick and tired of feeling like such a foodie. I need to get serious about dieting and working out (whether my schedule says there is time or not). My self image has been incredibly low lately, which probably adds to the stress and avoidance, and also makes me want to be a hermit. So, on my next grocery trip, I'm changing some habits. I think I'm going to try a pescatarian diet, with little to no dairy, and no processed carbs. Gonna be hard, but I think I'll feel a lot better about myself. And it's a good jumping off point for the summer.

Cool, well, this entry was a little weird I know. But I needed to update, and that's just the state of the union right now. Catch ya later, internet.

*Good Time, Owl City

So the whole world knows, my love for you is so big...my heart is so big..

Chi Alpha's annual "winter camp" was this weekend! =)  It was great, as usual. Our verse for the weekend was 2 Corinthians 5:17-21.

 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. 

And on the drive back to Pullman today, I wrote this little reflection as I thought about what I'd been pondering. Lots of talk about identity, and things like that, and the idea of having our identity solidified in Christ. Considering other things that were going on this weekend...I need to post it as much as a reminder to myself as to uplift anyone else.
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Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life.

In Your presence, God, I’m completely satisfied.

For You, I sing, I dance. Rejoice in this divine romance.

What does that look like? That which is complete satisfaction in the presence of God? Leaving everything else that I think defines me, that I have come to depend on for joy or for validation behind, in order to truly say that I am satisfied in Him. How often have I heard the songs which claim that God is enough…more than enough…all I need…etc., and yet I continue to keep parts of the world on the side.

It isn’t always “bad stuff”. In fact, it’s rarely “bad stuff”. Things which I can almost forget are becoming part of my identity, part of what I use to define myself. It’s grades, and school, and praise from teachers. It’s being able to stand in front of a class of people and feel confident that I am competent. It’s the secret part of me that revels in recognition from other people. It’s a desire for a relationship. It’s the need to be constantly pushing myself to be better. It’s the way that I seek friendships and interactions with non-believers. It’s the way that I talk about God among my Christian friends. It’s the moral standards that I adhere to.

Is this a negative identity? Not really. Aren’t these aspects of my personality and character God-given? Certainly, they are. But when did anything that God gave me become “mine”? I am not the gifts that I have been given. ‘I’ am nothing. If I have anything at all to offer the world, it is going to be found in Christ. It is going to be driven by the Spirit. My physical or spiritual “resume” doesn’t matter.  My worth is not found in those things. My worth is found in the One who calls me worthy.

Satisfaction. What does it look like for me to have actually found satisfaction in He who loves me above anything else? Why am I afraid to let the only definition of myself be Christ? These fears of losing myself in Him are so unfounded. He’s going to catch me. He’s going to prove faithful, if I just let go. There’s such peace in the fleeting moments when I do. In these times of worship and reflection where my heart releases its grip on the flesh, and allows my spirit to cry out in praise and openness to the King, I have had a taste of what satisfaction is. I have experienced the overwhelming joy and contentment. Can I not have that at every moment? Can I not live in such a way where my romancer is always at the foreground of my thoughts?

Where do I begin…to change this cycle of mistaken identity and misplaced satisfaction, in things that fail and do not last? I can’t do this on my strength alone.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the One I love.

Here’s my heart, oh take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.

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* So Big, Iyaz