"Hopped into a cab, take me anywhere"

Wow, it's sure been a long time since I wrote anything. I feel like there's a lot to say, and yet....not a lot to say when I am unsure of the audience and readership of this blog. Lots has been going on since camp. I've been processing a lot, dealing with ups and downs in so many parts of my life, and most definitely avoiding typing any of it out. If this blog entry was to have an underlying theme, it would most definitely be that of running/avoidance.

I feel like I've been running a lot lately. Although very little to zero "physical running" (that's a whole 'nother emotional and physical issue I need to work through), mentally and emotionally, and probably spiritually as well to some extent, I'm running. I've been running from the reality of how much school work I have to do, and the overwhelming sense that I won't measure up..that I will fail. I reached a point at the beginning of the month when I literally thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was two minutes away from dropping a class and not caring at all what the consequences were. Thankfully, the shroud of common sense I had told me to wait until after the dreaded exam was over. Good call, Lane. Good call. I'm working on two big research papers and supposed to be preparing for the SURCA. Academically, my quota is more than met. It's going to be a rough next few weeks as the end of the semester draws closer and closer.

Emotionally, I've been sprinting. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in balance, a steady, emotion-controlled rock. Outside. Inside, I'm all over the place. I'm stressed, confused, grieving, overwhelmed, and lonely just as often as I am at peace, joyful, confident, and trusting. Often times more than two or three times in the same day. It's exhausting. And so I keep running from what's going on - trying to avoid what I'm feeling and hoping it just  goes away. I know that doesn't work, but it sure can be "fun" to try. Usually that just means that my subconscious catches up with me big time in the quiet moments or the times when I'm asleep.

And due to all of my confusion and avoidance of reality here, I'm struggling to feel connected to the spiritual reality that I know my soul craves and desires to be united with. It's hard to focus on God. It's hard to want to prioritize Him when everything around seems so much more pressing. Such lies my foolish heart will believe! The hardest thing is knowing the lie but feeling powerless to reduce its hold on my existence. I need to be better at claiming truth over myself. I need to be less reliant on my strength and more abandoned to God's.

So many changes going on this year - I'm overwhelmed by it all. I'm running from the change, too. I haven't been home for any noteworthy length of time all semester... which has been good and bad for that. It's been good because I haven't had the down time to really think about it. As long as I'm "away", then nothing at home changes. In my head, everything there is all the same. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm still grieving and adjusting to what happened over Cmas break. I miss my friend. That's just how it goes. And this past few months, a few other friends have been making life choices that pain me to watch. I don't know how to help them...and that's a harsh thing to deal with too. Being away from home makes all of these things feel less "real". I can forget that they exist for a while. The changes in Pullman will be more than enough to keep me busy emotionally for the rest of the semester.

All that to say, Spring Break has been much needed. I know I've done less work than needed doing...but at the same time, I can't survive another 6 weeks without a mental health break. I've needed the sleep, and the freedom to sit on the couch and not feel guilty. I needed to get out and away from all of the responsibility and commitment that comes with my week-to-week routine in Pullman. It's been such a wonderful blessing....I am definitely NOT ready to go back yet. I think about what needs to happen when I return and I don't know how it's all getting done. Add into my regular list the fact that I'm sick and tired of feeling like such a foodie. I need to get serious about dieting and working out (whether my schedule says there is time or not). My self image has been incredibly low lately, which probably adds to the stress and avoidance, and also makes me want to be a hermit. So, on my next grocery trip, I'm changing some habits. I think I'm going to try a pescatarian diet, with little to no dairy, and no processed carbs. Gonna be hard, but I think I'll feel a lot better about myself. And it's a good jumping off point for the summer.

Cool, well, this entry was a little weird I know. But I needed to update, and that's just the state of the union right now. Catch ya later, internet.

*Good Time, Owl City