Let me just begin this post by saying, that no, I am not in a bad mood today. I have had a fabulous Friday, and the week overall has been pretty spectacular, too. :) I'm home in like... basically 5 days, and I only have two more tests to go. So this entry isn't some emotional spit-up of my stress. It's just the fact that I've been learning some things about what makes me irritated lately, and I think it's time for the blog-o-sphere to be privvy to them.
Apathy. Oh yes. I've known this one for a long time. But it's still good to refresh. I HATE apathy. I don't even care if you disagree with what I have to say, as long as you have your own opinion! People who drift by and go with the flow are so frustrating. I'm not saying like, people who are low-key or people who are flexible. That's totally different. I mean as far as your moral code goes. You DO or you DO NOT. But you can't say one thing to one person, and then something different to another. In high school, this was tricky, because everyone wants to be accepted. And really, high school is pretty judgemental. But the more I'm in college, the more I realize that people in the "real world" are mature enough to value individuality. You can agree to disagree, and you can have a mature, intelligent debate without tearing each other apart. But when you refuse to take a stand for anything, I'm sorry, but that just frustrates me. And you're really likely to rub me the wrong way.
Taking this a step farther ... I really really really don't like cursing. Duh. Anyone who's known me for more than a little while can attest that I have never said a curse word. I don't quote them when someone else says it, I don't write it down as a piece of dialogue. And I am so disheartened when people who should know better (aka: Christians) choose to do so. I know that everyone has struggles. I know that people have "grown up around it" and it's "normal" to them. But in my opinion, that's something that you should have control over, or at the very least, be trying to control. I'm not trying to be critical, I'm just trying to be honest. It messes with my spiritual life when I see you talking out of both sides of your mouth. I struggle with whether or not you can possibly still love Jesus and be okay with words like those just floating out at any interval. I mean, I might be a little more extreme than some. I scratch them out in my books so I don't have to look at them a second time, and I mute the TV whenever I think something like that is coming. But really, even after being in the "real world" for the last... almost 4 months, it still bothers me. And I'm still not giving in to pressure. So please, take the verses in the Bible about pure speech and taming your tongue to heart! You're not only damaging the image of what a "Christian" should look like, but you're confusing people like me who want to believe you are.
The next one. Ultimatums. I think the pastor at Resonate mentioned this last week, but when somebody gives you an ultimatum, even when it's something that you might normally want to do, your first instinct is to rebel and go to the other side. I'm really bad about this. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of authority figures. I believe they're there for a reason. But whenever I get the "Do this or else" feeling, or the "You'll be going against the norm if you do...." feeling, guess what? I'm gonna try the "or else". I've been one who swims upstream my entire life. People who try to build a dam in the way, well, I'm going salmon-style and I'm gonna jump the waterfall in spite of you. This is probably a weakness...it's probably pride, I'll admit. But I've felt like I've had so many points this semester where it was one path or the other, and there was no going back once the decision was made. I can't stand those! I'm the girl who's going to try and find the path right down the middle that no one else has made before. To my credit, it tends to work out pretty well. And I see a lot of people following the same trail once it's been blazed.
People who hurt people I love. Let's just say it's a really good thing I don't say everything I think. Because there are a few people who really deserve a piece of my mind, but because I'm a self-controlled and somewhat mature person, I'm not going to. I don't want to be the cause of drama. They should know that I'm gonna be a lot more wary of them in the future, and if they ask me about it... well, that might be the open door for a 'real' discussion. But don't expect that you'll like what I have to say.
One might read these things and just kind of smile and nod. "Oh, she's venting." Sure, I guess. But I dare you to underestimate me. I've always been a very deep thinker. I process things thoroughly, and I often imagine conversations playing out. But I'm not confrontational. I wasn't the one to go up to someone and start a tough topic. Guess what? That's changing. Something I've been challenged to do in my conversations this year is be real with people. My friends and I aren't afraid to be honest. We call it how we see it, in as much love as possible. And we talk about the tough stuff. That was hard for me at first, but it's become really refreshing. I think people will be surprised at how much more up front I can be in conversations now. Things aren't rattling me as easy, and I'm not just going to gloss over something that I think we should talk about. That doesn't mean I think any less of you, or I'm any more mean. I'm just discovering how to voice my thoughts and be okay with that. If you don't like me for it, well....so be it.
* Free to Be Me, Francesca Battistelli
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