"So far away from where you are...These miles have torn us worlds apart....And I miss you"

Yep, it's that time again! What is 12:30 am, Alex?  (excuse the lame Jeopardy reference. Man, I love that show like a nerd...) I can't believe we are only 1 month away from the end of year THREE!! How is that even possible? So much difference in my life between then and now. It will be such a fun ride to see what the next year holds.

Easter Sunday with Sayaka, Tong, Aika and Brianna

I'm trying to think what is really new and unusual in life lately. To me, it feels like a lot of the same thing, and a lot of me just loving what I do and who I am with. College is good, I finally finished the last 'real' exam between now and Finals week. All left to do is papers and daily work, which feels a little more manageable and it is operated on MY time, which is also nice. Granted, there are 2 papers due which I haven't even started yet. One is for Math 320, and so I am expecting to be able to ramble through that one without much trouble. The one for my middle eastern history class needs a little more effort than it's received thus far, but I have all of next weekend to work on it.

Next weekend is Mom's Weekend on campus, but I'm cloistering myself instead. I told mom not to come over this time - she's travelled east enough for one semester, plus it's a big homework weekend for me. The following Saturday, we're gonna go to a Chris Tomlin concert instead, and that will be our 'thing'. I won't likely be home again until...sometime mid May? even then, it will only be for a few days.

Related to that, yes, I am officially in Pullman for the summer! And I am so excited about it! :) My purpose and ministry are here now, so it just makes sense. Full time job, good friends, beautiful weather...all in a region I love so much. Don't get me wrong, there are things I will miss about being home for the entirety of the summer, but most of those things will still get seen and done, just in short weekend increments. I plan to go home for at least a 4-day weekend every month, and probably a full week in July (can't miss Go 4th in Longview!), so I'll see my family, and get to catch up with friends here and there... although frankly, very few friends are going to be there in the first place. Plus a wedding or two which will require me traveling west, and it may end up being more time than I think my parents are expecting. They're not super stoked about the idea, but they are trying to be supportive and see the logic in my decision.

Starting June 22nd, I'm legally bound to an apartment! Brianna, Audrey and I signed a lease last week, so it is official. I can't believe it, but I'm excited for the new adventure. And it will be an adventure, and a learning curve, I know. Good for everyone, I hope. We're doing pretty good so far tracking down all of the necessary items and planning out how life will work differently living off campus. For me, the main challenge is going to be balancing time at home and time on campus. My tendency already is to feel guilty taking nights to just be, and not see any international students, and I will have to be careful not to take on more of that than is healthy. It's gonna be important to have roommate-only nights too.
I am excited though! The complex is great, and almost all of our 'would like to have' items are checked off the list. It's another topic where I can tell my parents aren't 100% on board with the idea...and I haven't completely figured out where the hesitation is coming from. I hope that once I'm officially moved out of Honors and they get to see the apartment, that the excitement will come. It's happened that way every year so far with all my previous dorm situations. Plus, I'm saving so much money this way! Which will take pressure off of them, I hope, coupled with the fact that I am praying for a good financial aid package.

Oh - praise report! The new group of students from Kansai Gaidai University in Japan arrived! So far, I have met three of the girls, and I'm trying to reach out to them in a non-pushy way. They don't know why I'm so excited to meet them, but that's okay. :) Time will grow our friendship, I hope. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if it didn't. I'm trying to prepare myself to say goodbye to the beautiful girls I've already had the privilege to know this year, and it's so hard. We've really started to get close in the past month or two, and I consider them as much my friends as anyone else here. *sigh* I just wish I spoke Japanese...or Arabic...or Chinese. It would make the cultural differences seem a little smaller, and it would help me get to know them so much better! Even when their English is great -- there are some things that can't be expressed in a 2nd language, and so I never get to know that part of them. Summer bucket list - keep studying languages!

Crazy face pictures with Yocchi <3

It feels good to be positive again. I've been going through waves of discouragement and loneliness for the last while. This week was really great and I actually felt like myself - even though Satan was attacking my heart, I had strength to tell him to back down. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for being my supporter and intercessor.

Tomorrow I'm checking out a new church with Aika. Should be fun, and a good chance to spend more time with that girl! ;) I love our conversations, even if they are scattered amongst intense study sessions. Then later tomorrow night is Japanese movie night! Woo! Gonna be a good Sunday.

*From Where You Are, Lifehouse

"Hopped into a cab, take me anywhere"

Wow, it's sure been a long time since I wrote anything. I feel like there's a lot to say, and yet....not a lot to say when I am unsure of the audience and readership of this blog. Lots has been going on since camp. I've been processing a lot, dealing with ups and downs in so many parts of my life, and most definitely avoiding typing any of it out. If this blog entry was to have an underlying theme, it would most definitely be that of running/avoidance.

I feel like I've been running a lot lately. Although very little to zero "physical running" (that's a whole 'nother emotional and physical issue I need to work through), mentally and emotionally, and probably spiritually as well to some extent, I'm running. I've been running from the reality of how much school work I have to do, and the overwhelming sense that I won't measure up..that I will fail. I reached a point at the beginning of the month when I literally thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was two minutes away from dropping a class and not caring at all what the consequences were. Thankfully, the shroud of common sense I had told me to wait until after the dreaded exam was over. Good call, Lane. Good call. I'm working on two big research papers and supposed to be preparing for the SURCA. Academically, my quota is more than met. It's going to be a rough next few weeks as the end of the semester draws closer and closer.

Emotionally, I've been sprinting. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in balance, a steady, emotion-controlled rock. Outside. Inside, I'm all over the place. I'm stressed, confused, grieving, overwhelmed, and lonely just as often as I am at peace, joyful, confident, and trusting. Often times more than two or three times in the same day. It's exhausting. And so I keep running from what's going on - trying to avoid what I'm feeling and hoping it just  goes away. I know that doesn't work, but it sure can be "fun" to try. Usually that just means that my subconscious catches up with me big time in the quiet moments or the times when I'm asleep.

And due to all of my confusion and avoidance of reality here, I'm struggling to feel connected to the spiritual reality that I know my soul craves and desires to be united with. It's hard to focus on God. It's hard to want to prioritize Him when everything around seems so much more pressing. Such lies my foolish heart will believe! The hardest thing is knowing the lie but feeling powerless to reduce its hold on my existence. I need to be better at claiming truth over myself. I need to be less reliant on my strength and more abandoned to God's.

So many changes going on this year - I'm overwhelmed by it all. I'm running from the change, too. I haven't been home for any noteworthy length of time all semester... which has been good and bad for that. It's been good because I haven't had the down time to really think about it. As long as I'm "away", then nothing at home changes. In my head, everything there is all the same. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm still grieving and adjusting to what happened over Cmas break. I miss my friend. That's just how it goes. And this past few months, a few other friends have been making life choices that pain me to watch. I don't know how to help them...and that's a harsh thing to deal with too. Being away from home makes all of these things feel less "real". I can forget that they exist for a while. The changes in Pullman will be more than enough to keep me busy emotionally for the rest of the semester.

All that to say, Spring Break has been much needed. I know I've done less work than needed doing...but at the same time, I can't survive another 6 weeks without a mental health break. I've needed the sleep, and the freedom to sit on the couch and not feel guilty. I needed to get out and away from all of the responsibility and commitment that comes with my week-to-week routine in Pullman. It's been such a wonderful blessing....I am definitely NOT ready to go back yet. I think about what needs to happen when I return and I don't know how it's all getting done. Add into my regular list the fact that I'm sick and tired of feeling like such a foodie. I need to get serious about dieting and working out (whether my schedule says there is time or not). My self image has been incredibly low lately, which probably adds to the stress and avoidance, and also makes me want to be a hermit. So, on my next grocery trip, I'm changing some habits. I think I'm going to try a pescatarian diet, with little to no dairy, and no processed carbs. Gonna be hard, but I think I'll feel a lot better about myself. And it's a good jumping off point for the summer.

Cool, well, this entry was a little weird I know. But I needed to update, and that's just the state of the union right now. Catch ya later, internet.

*Good Time, Owl City

So the whole world knows, my love for you is so big...my heart is so big..

Chi Alpha's annual "winter camp" was this weekend! =)  It was great, as usual. Our verse for the weekend was 2 Corinthians 5:17-21.

 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. 

And on the drive back to Pullman today, I wrote this little reflection as I thought about what I'd been pondering. Lots of talk about identity, and things like that, and the idea of having our identity solidified in Christ. Considering other things that were going on this weekend...I need to post it as much as a reminder to myself as to uplift anyone else.
-----------------------------------------------

Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life.

In Your presence, God, I’m completely satisfied.

For You, I sing, I dance. Rejoice in this divine romance.

What does that look like? That which is complete satisfaction in the presence of God? Leaving everything else that I think defines me, that I have come to depend on for joy or for validation behind, in order to truly say that I am satisfied in Him. How often have I heard the songs which claim that God is enough…more than enough…all I need…etc., and yet I continue to keep parts of the world on the side.

It isn’t always “bad stuff”. In fact, it’s rarely “bad stuff”. Things which I can almost forget are becoming part of my identity, part of what I use to define myself. It’s grades, and school, and praise from teachers. It’s being able to stand in front of a class of people and feel confident that I am competent. It’s the secret part of me that revels in recognition from other people. It’s a desire for a relationship. It’s the need to be constantly pushing myself to be better. It’s the way that I seek friendships and interactions with non-believers. It’s the way that I talk about God among my Christian friends. It’s the moral standards that I adhere to.

Is this a negative identity? Not really. Aren’t these aspects of my personality and character God-given? Certainly, they are. But when did anything that God gave me become “mine”? I am not the gifts that I have been given. ‘I’ am nothing. If I have anything at all to offer the world, it is going to be found in Christ. It is going to be driven by the Spirit. My physical or spiritual “resume” doesn’t matter.  My worth is not found in those things. My worth is found in the One who calls me worthy.

Satisfaction. What does it look like for me to have actually found satisfaction in He who loves me above anything else? Why am I afraid to let the only definition of myself be Christ? These fears of losing myself in Him are so unfounded. He’s going to catch me. He’s going to prove faithful, if I just let go. There’s such peace in the fleeting moments when I do. In these times of worship and reflection where my heart releases its grip on the flesh, and allows my spirit to cry out in praise and openness to the King, I have had a taste of what satisfaction is. I have experienced the overwhelming joy and contentment. Can I not have that at every moment? Can I not live in such a way where my romancer is always at the foreground of my thoughts?

Where do I begin…to change this cycle of mistaken identity and misplaced satisfaction, in things that fail and do not last? I can’t do this on my strength alone.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the One I love.

Here’s my heart, oh take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.

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* So Big, Iyaz

"No other name that's higher... No other name that's stronger..."

New hair color

Here we are, spring semester 2013. I sometimes have a hard time grasping the fact that I've been in college for 5 semesters already. It feels like it has just flown by, one awesome adventure rolling right into the other. The only significant pauses come from summer breaks, when I'm home long enough to realize the fact that I'm home. I love the blessing of being able to attend a university like this one. It's one of the most amazing times of my life, for sure. I'm so happy when I'm here. Even in the stressful days, it's a place I never want to leave. Don't get me wrong. I love being with my family and spending time with friends from Longview. It's wonderful to be together, and to laugh together, and understand each other's references. But I don't have purpose there anymore. I feel like a floater, just waiting for the next wave. Anything I do is frivolous or self-gratifying. My time in Pullman isn't like that as much. It's focused and intentional - both academically and socially.

Family picture time!

Before I get too much into the semester so far, I'll summarize my break, I guess.

Courtney, Brianna, Liliana & I
at the Stover wedding

The first week of break was both great and suck-ish. Great because I was done with finals, I got to sleep in my own bed, spend time with my family (including my brother - who continues to become more and more a great friend as we get older), and hang out with a lot of people from my graduating class. It was restful and it was great to catch up with them. :) The hard part started mid week...when I had to deal with the changing form of a friendship. Frankly, I've never had that happen before. Past friends and I have drifted away slowly, mutually, and for the simple reason that we never saw/talked to each other. This time it wasn't slow, and I didn't want to accept it. It was the right decision, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't one of the most painful things I've had to deal with this year. I've realized how much I needed God in those times. Throughout the rest of Christmas break, and still today, I'm healing. It's not an easy process....but it is one that I need to walk through.

Sibling picture at the gum wall  :) 

Christmas itself, I spent without the rest of the family. Mom, Dad & Brady went to visit N&B. But since I wanted to go to Weston & Allison's wedding, and also had to leave for the World Missions Summit, it was just easier for me to stay for a few days. I live over here, so the grandparents see me frequently enough. On Christmas Eve, I went to church, and then spent the evening with our new pastor and his family. It was a lot of fun, because I haven't had much of a chance to get to know them. After that day, I had a much better sense of who they were and who their kids were.  Christmas Day, I was with my Kelso side of the family - dinner with the other Backstroms. Our family ended up having our "Christmas" celebration on New Year's Day. So it was a strange holiday, but still a holiday.

Delicious Cmas day dinner!

Family pic at the
original Starbucks

My final week of break was spent at home. I got to see Heidi twice, which was awesome. Brady had a "friend not girlfriend" come visit for a few days, and so we showed her around Washington a little bit.

After all of that, I'm happy to be back in Honors Hall. I had some great times this past week reuniting with my XAi friends. They're such a joy to be around. I'm excited for what this semester holds for that group, and for what God is going to teach Weston, Jake, and I through the process. My classes are going to be hard, for sure. Lots of work and studying and research projects. And honestly, I don't know how I can fit it all in along with sleep, social life, work, XA, and personal down times. Just trusting that it's all in His control, and that will be enough for me. One day at a time.

*No Other Name, Freddy Rodriguez