"And I just wanna tell you...it takes everything in me not to call you...."

Ah yes. The traditional "end of the semester", Lane's-getting-all-contemplative-now blog entry has finally arrived! Surprise, surprise!

It's Wednesday night of finals week, well, technically Thursday morning. I had my first exam today, and my next one tomorrow. It's been a long 48 hours of nothing but math. I need an English break. Hahaha. Plus, when I study for math tests, I usually need to be in a bit of a bubble. This has meant that I've had almost 3 days to just be alone in my own head. And my head is a scary place to be alone in.

I really can't believe how fast the semester has been going. The only reason I am excited to go home is because it means that the intensity of finals week is finally over. Otherwise, I really don't have a need to. Sad, but true. Because of everything that's happened with Nana and her side of the family this year, I've seen a lot of my parents this semester. Which is great, but it does diminish the "I'm so excited to see you" feeling that usually comes with a break from school. I'm excited for a certain wedding *cough Weston&Allison cough* and also for the World Mission Summit! Those will be highlights for sure. But I can't wait to get back to Pullman once break is over, and take on this next semester. Not class wise, those will be okay, but nothing special. What I'm excited for is the spring semester with my international friends.

Making snowflakes at Talk Time
(Aika, Sayaka, Natsumi Y)

Putting my eyes on Yasuko's face
Such a fun game to play with
people's iPhones!

I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure out new strategies for getting to know some of the girls, but it has. Somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I realized a key difference between American and other cultures. In the US, we invite a ton of people to events, and if they show up, then we assume they want to be friends. If they don't, we write them off. And at the beginning of the year, that's how I thought about the exchange students - when they came, those were the people who wanted to be friends with me. The others just weren't interested. Mistake #1. I found out that in other cultures, it's uncommon to show up to events without a specific contact who will be there. Aka: if you don't know the people going, you don't go. Which means, if I want new students to feel comfortable coming to big events, we have to be friends one-on-one first. As soon as that lightbulb came on, I've been a girl on a mission, trying to set up as many "hang out/coffee dates" as I possibly could these past 3 weeks. And they have been so much fun! In getting to know the girls individually, it's easier for them to understand that I want to be friends. And it has also increased the attendance at XA events. Next semester, believe me, I plan to continue this.

There's still a part of me that wishes I could be inside their heads for a minute. See if they actually consider me a friend, or just that obnoxious American who always wants to hang out. Lol. I try not to second guess myself, but I get scared or self conscious a lot. And we're going to have to cross the bridge from "just because" friends to "because Jesus loves you" friends soon. I'm nervous about those conversations, but at the same time, I know they need to happen! I love them all so much, and I want to see them in heaven. Therefore, my comfort takes the backseat.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I've found passion. Seriously, it's like I'm on a whole new playing field with my engagement. I did think that I knew what it was like to be excited about something, but looking back, the difference in my mental and emotional state is so drastic! It's like I've lived my whole life in an apartment with a beautiful view...and I finally discovered that there's a door to go outside and experience it for myself!

Me and Aggie
She's gone next semester to Italy,
but coming back next year! Yay!

People don't understand it. That is the cold reality that I keep running into, but it's true. People don't have the passion the way I do. It's okay, I understand. Not everyone is given the same desires and hearts for service - otherwise only one group of people would ever be served. And I have had many more opportunities to be involved with intercultural groups than a lot of people. So, I knew in my head that I was different now. But after Thanksgiving, I really know it. It's hard to talk to someone about XAi who isn't here in Pullman, watching what we do and knowing who I am, and who my friends are. I can try, but so often the reactions are...dull? Which is hard, I admit. I need to learn from this - when someone is passionate about an outreach, even if I don't get it, I need to try and understand what they're feeling and seeing. I need to value their contribution to the Kingdom.

I think I'm gonna be a little bit lonely over break, not seeing any of my American or international friends from Pullman. And possibly spending Christmas..by myself. Yeah, we'll blog more about that if it comes to fruition. I will get to see some friends from Longview. But that kind of comes with mixed emotions, if I'm being completely honest. I have some tough conversations that need to be had. I hate watching people I love make reckless or rash decisions, and I hate confrontations. So, it won't be easy for me. I also have a person or two who I talked to a lot last year, that has since cut off any conversation with me. Frankly, that hurts. I can't do anything to change it, and I certainly don't plan  to say "Hey, why are you acting like I don't exist anymore?" when I (inevitably) run into them. Nope. I'll make polite small talk, and pretend to be fine.

Sorry, depressing last paragraph. Woo, raw honesty. :P

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of taking care of Mezzo, J&J's golden retriever. :) I had a blast hanging out with a dog again....made me miss Sugar a lot though. There are eerie similarities. He and I worked on a "decorating" project while the Stoas were at a conference. It was pretty fun, getting to play the Christmas elf. I'd been teasing them about not having any Christmas decorations up before they asked me to dog sit. It took all of about 12 hours to realize that I now had a golden (haha...pun) opportunity! So yes...I may or may not have cut out some snowflakes...made a paper chain...brought in a 3 foot christmas tree.... (unless they are reading this. In which case, I have NO idea what you mean! ;D )

Okay, it's almost 1:30, and I have to be up in about 6 hours. Probably should wrap this up and call it a night. Tomorrow is "work on French paper", then "study like mad for math final", and then Talk Time! We moved it to Thursday this week, which is great since I'll get another chance to see people before they all leave to go on cool vacations! G'night everyone!

*I Almost Do, Taylor Swift