So the whole world knows, my love for you is so big...my heart is so big..

Chi Alpha's annual "winter camp" was this weekend! =)  It was great, as usual. Our verse for the weekend was 2 Corinthians 5:17-21.

 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. 

And on the drive back to Pullman today, I wrote this little reflection as I thought about what I'd been pondering. Lots of talk about identity, and things like that, and the idea of having our identity solidified in Christ. Considering other things that were going on this weekend...I need to post it as much as a reminder to myself as to uplift anyone else.
-----------------------------------------------

Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life.

In Your presence, God, I’m completely satisfied.

For You, I sing, I dance. Rejoice in this divine romance.

What does that look like? That which is complete satisfaction in the presence of God? Leaving everything else that I think defines me, that I have come to depend on for joy or for validation behind, in order to truly say that I am satisfied in Him. How often have I heard the songs which claim that God is enough…more than enough…all I need…etc., and yet I continue to keep parts of the world on the side.

It isn’t always “bad stuff”. In fact, it’s rarely “bad stuff”. Things which I can almost forget are becoming part of my identity, part of what I use to define myself. It’s grades, and school, and praise from teachers. It’s being able to stand in front of a class of people and feel confident that I am competent. It’s the secret part of me that revels in recognition from other people. It’s a desire for a relationship. It’s the need to be constantly pushing myself to be better. It’s the way that I seek friendships and interactions with non-believers. It’s the way that I talk about God among my Christian friends. It’s the moral standards that I adhere to.

Is this a negative identity? Not really. Aren’t these aspects of my personality and character God-given? Certainly, they are. But when did anything that God gave me become “mine”? I am not the gifts that I have been given. ‘I’ am nothing. If I have anything at all to offer the world, it is going to be found in Christ. It is going to be driven by the Spirit. My physical or spiritual “resume” doesn’t matter.  My worth is not found in those things. My worth is found in the One who calls me worthy.

Satisfaction. What does it look like for me to have actually found satisfaction in He who loves me above anything else? Why am I afraid to let the only definition of myself be Christ? These fears of losing myself in Him are so unfounded. He’s going to catch me. He’s going to prove faithful, if I just let go. There’s such peace in the fleeting moments when I do. In these times of worship and reflection where my heart releases its grip on the flesh, and allows my spirit to cry out in praise and openness to the King, I have had a taste of what satisfaction is. I have experienced the overwhelming joy and contentment. Can I not have that at every moment? Can I not live in such a way where my romancer is always at the foreground of my thoughts?

Where do I begin…to change this cycle of mistaken identity and misplaced satisfaction, in things that fail and do not last? I can’t do this on my strength alone.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the One I love.

Here’s my heart, oh take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.

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* So Big, Iyaz

"No other name that's higher... No other name that's stronger..."

New hair color

Here we are, spring semester 2013. I sometimes have a hard time grasping the fact that I've been in college for 5 semesters already. It feels like it has just flown by, one awesome adventure rolling right into the other. The only significant pauses come from summer breaks, when I'm home long enough to realize the fact that I'm home. I love the blessing of being able to attend a university like this one. It's one of the most amazing times of my life, for sure. I'm so happy when I'm here. Even in the stressful days, it's a place I never want to leave. Don't get me wrong. I love being with my family and spending time with friends from Longview. It's wonderful to be together, and to laugh together, and understand each other's references. But I don't have purpose there anymore. I feel like a floater, just waiting for the next wave. Anything I do is frivolous or self-gratifying. My time in Pullman isn't like that as much. It's focused and intentional - both academically and socially.

Family picture time!

Before I get too much into the semester so far, I'll summarize my break, I guess.

Courtney, Brianna, Liliana & I
at the Stover wedding

The first week of break was both great and suck-ish. Great because I was done with finals, I got to sleep in my own bed, spend time with my family (including my brother - who continues to become more and more a great friend as we get older), and hang out with a lot of people from my graduating class. It was restful and it was great to catch up with them. :) The hard part started mid week...when I had to deal with the changing form of a friendship. Frankly, I've never had that happen before. Past friends and I have drifted away slowly, mutually, and for the simple reason that we never saw/talked to each other. This time it wasn't slow, and I didn't want to accept it. It was the right decision, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't one of the most painful things I've had to deal with this year. I've realized how much I needed God in those times. Throughout the rest of Christmas break, and still today, I'm healing. It's not an easy process....but it is one that I need to walk through.

Sibling picture at the gum wall  :) 

Christmas itself, I spent without the rest of the family. Mom, Dad & Brady went to visit N&B. But since I wanted to go to Weston & Allison's wedding, and also had to leave for the World Missions Summit, it was just easier for me to stay for a few days. I live over here, so the grandparents see me frequently enough. On Christmas Eve, I went to church, and then spent the evening with our new pastor and his family. It was a lot of fun, because I haven't had much of a chance to get to know them. After that day, I had a much better sense of who they were and who their kids were.  Christmas Day, I was with my Kelso side of the family - dinner with the other Backstroms. Our family ended up having our "Christmas" celebration on New Year's Day. So it was a strange holiday, but still a holiday.

Delicious Cmas day dinner!

Family pic at the
original Starbucks

My final week of break was spent at home. I got to see Heidi twice, which was awesome. Brady had a "friend not girlfriend" come visit for a few days, and so we showed her around Washington a little bit.

After all of that, I'm happy to be back in Honors Hall. I had some great times this past week reuniting with my XAi friends. They're such a joy to be around. I'm excited for what this semester holds for that group, and for what God is going to teach Weston, Jake, and I through the process. My classes are going to be hard, for sure. Lots of work and studying and research projects. And honestly, I don't know how I can fit it all in along with sleep, social life, work, XA, and personal down times. Just trusting that it's all in His control, and that will be enough for me. One day at a time.

*No Other Name, Freddy Rodriguez

"And I just wanna tell you...it takes everything in me not to call you...."

Ah yes. The traditional "end of the semester", Lane's-getting-all-contemplative-now blog entry has finally arrived! Surprise, surprise!

It's Wednesday night of finals week, well, technically Thursday morning. I had my first exam today, and my next one tomorrow. It's been a long 48 hours of nothing but math. I need an English break. Hahaha. Plus, when I study for math tests, I usually need to be in a bit of a bubble. This has meant that I've had almost 3 days to just be alone in my own head. And my head is a scary place to be alone in.

I really can't believe how fast the semester has been going. The only reason I am excited to go home is because it means that the intensity of finals week is finally over. Otherwise, I really don't have a need to. Sad, but true. Because of everything that's happened with Nana and her side of the family this year, I've seen a lot of my parents this semester. Which is great, but it does diminish the "I'm so excited to see you" feeling that usually comes with a break from school. I'm excited for a certain wedding *cough Weston&Allison cough* and also for the World Mission Summit! Those will be highlights for sure. But I can't wait to get back to Pullman once break is over, and take on this next semester. Not class wise, those will be okay, but nothing special. What I'm excited for is the spring semester with my international friends.

Making snowflakes at Talk Time
(Aika, Sayaka, Natsumi Y)

Putting my eyes on Yasuko's face
Such a fun game to play with
people's iPhones!

I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure out new strategies for getting to know some of the girls, but it has. Somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I realized a key difference between American and other cultures. In the US, we invite a ton of people to events, and if they show up, then we assume they want to be friends. If they don't, we write them off. And at the beginning of the year, that's how I thought about the exchange students - when they came, those were the people who wanted to be friends with me. The others just weren't interested. Mistake #1. I found out that in other cultures, it's uncommon to show up to events without a specific contact who will be there. Aka: if you don't know the people going, you don't go. Which means, if I want new students to feel comfortable coming to big events, we have to be friends one-on-one first. As soon as that lightbulb came on, I've been a girl on a mission, trying to set up as many "hang out/coffee dates" as I possibly could these past 3 weeks. And they have been so much fun! In getting to know the girls individually, it's easier for them to understand that I want to be friends. And it has also increased the attendance at XA events. Next semester, believe me, I plan to continue this.

There's still a part of me that wishes I could be inside their heads for a minute. See if they actually consider me a friend, or just that obnoxious American who always wants to hang out. Lol. I try not to second guess myself, but I get scared or self conscious a lot. And we're going to have to cross the bridge from "just because" friends to "because Jesus loves you" friends soon. I'm nervous about those conversations, but at the same time, I know they need to happen! I love them all so much, and I want to see them in heaven. Therefore, my comfort takes the backseat.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I've found passion. Seriously, it's like I'm on a whole new playing field with my engagement. I did think that I knew what it was like to be excited about something, but looking back, the difference in my mental and emotional state is so drastic! It's like I've lived my whole life in an apartment with a beautiful view...and I finally discovered that there's a door to go outside and experience it for myself!

Me and Aggie
She's gone next semester to Italy,
but coming back next year! Yay!

People don't understand it. That is the cold reality that I keep running into, but it's true. People don't have the passion the way I do. It's okay, I understand. Not everyone is given the same desires and hearts for service - otherwise only one group of people would ever be served. And I have had many more opportunities to be involved with intercultural groups than a lot of people. So, I knew in my head that I was different now. But after Thanksgiving, I really know it. It's hard to talk to someone about XAi who isn't here in Pullman, watching what we do and knowing who I am, and who my friends are. I can try, but so often the reactions are...dull? Which is hard, I admit. I need to learn from this - when someone is passionate about an outreach, even if I don't get it, I need to try and understand what they're feeling and seeing. I need to value their contribution to the Kingdom.

I think I'm gonna be a little bit lonely over break, not seeing any of my American or international friends from Pullman. And possibly spending Christmas..by myself. Yeah, we'll blog more about that if it comes to fruition. I will get to see some friends from Longview. But that kind of comes with mixed emotions, if I'm being completely honest. I have some tough conversations that need to be had. I hate watching people I love make reckless or rash decisions, and I hate confrontations. So, it won't be easy for me. I also have a person or two who I talked to a lot last year, that has since cut off any conversation with me. Frankly, that hurts. I can't do anything to change it, and I certainly don't plan  to say "Hey, why are you acting like I don't exist anymore?" when I (inevitably) run into them. Nope. I'll make polite small talk, and pretend to be fine.

Sorry, depressing last paragraph. Woo, raw honesty. :P

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of taking care of Mezzo, J&J's golden retriever. :) I had a blast hanging out with a dog again....made me miss Sugar a lot though. There are eerie similarities. He and I worked on a "decorating" project while the Stoas were at a conference. It was pretty fun, getting to play the Christmas elf. I'd been teasing them about not having any Christmas decorations up before they asked me to dog sit. It took all of about 12 hours to realize that I now had a golden (haha...pun) opportunity! So yes...I may or may not have cut out some snowflakes...made a paper chain...brought in a 3 foot christmas tree.... (unless they are reading this. In which case, I have NO idea what you mean! ;D )

Okay, it's almost 1:30, and I have to be up in about 6 hours. Probably should wrap this up and call it a night. Tomorrow is "work on French paper", then "study like mad for math final", and then Talk Time! We moved it to Thursday this week, which is great since I'll get another chance to see people before they all leave to go on cool vacations! G'night everyone!

*I Almost Do, Taylor Swift

" I'm trying to fathom all that You are, but so far, Lord, You're so beyond me..."

Seriously, truly, I live one of the most awesome lives that I could ever imagine living. I don't know why  I ever feel dissatisfied or lacking, because I'm not! I'm 100%, completely, incredibly, eternally blessed. So, in the spirit of November, and Thanksgiving, this blog entry is just going to be me...being thankful.

I'm so happy to have the chance to go to a major university, to explore my academic passions and dreams, and to grow my worldview and my knowledge about so many different subjects. I'm thankful for the professors who teach, the fellow students who spur questions and discussion, and for those who are helping me to live there.

I'm thankful for a supportive and fabulous family. For my parents who become more amazing every year, for my little brother and oldest friend who is developing into a man of God, for my grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins, and "adopted" family members that love me and put up with me.

I am so thankful for old friends - the kind that have stuck with me through the crazy fashion phases, the times when I was mean, confusing, sad, hard to deal with, the junior high drama, and still love me and want to share life with me. I'm so happy that no matter what, we can still pick up where we left off after months apart from miles away.

Related, I am daily praising God for my new friends. The people who have chosen to be my friend, to open up to me and be trustworthy enough for me to open up to them. Those who were around for the emotional and maturity roller coaster of freshman year, and those who have joined my heart since. They have added so much blessing and joy to my life, and I continue to learn and grow from their example.

Also, I am thankful for my job. The wide-open door couldn't have come at a better time. I'm thrilled to be working and making money, yes, but also to have a job that I look forward to going to. The cool co-workers are an added bonus. ;)

I'm thankful for leaders and mentors. I couldn't have ever forseen how valuable they would be to my life and my growth, but seriously...without their willingness to invest in me, I would not be in the place that I am today. I've had the most amazing role models, and I can only pray that someday, someone finds me as instrumental as I have found them.

I'm so thankful for health - mental, physical, and emotional. I don't know how I got so lucky to be virtually problem-free, when so many others in this world are not.

I'm thankful for the gift of language, and I'm thankful that God allows me to communicate with people in and from other countries every day! This especially goes for my French-speaking friends in Haiti. Reading those letters last week was the best thing EVER.

God is so good. So good. The fact that I can be driving across the state, afraid of potential snow on the road ahead, and just tell Him that I'm scared....only to get to the pass and find the roads bare and dry surrounded by some of the most beautiful scenery ever? That's a God thing.  So is the fact that I didn't want anything to do with Him, but He died for me anyway. And now, even as I learn (and stumble constantly) to seek and desire His will, and to hear His voice, He's still so infinitely patient and loving....and blesses and affirms me at every turn! The Holy Spirit and my brothers and sisters in Christ alone...more than I ever could ask.

*All I Need, Shawn McDonald

"You said 'Ask and I'll give the nations to you'...oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart..."

Alright....I've got a special topic for this blog entry. Looking back over the last couple, I realize that I have said very little about a new aspect of my life this school year, and one that is rapidly growing close to my heart. International student ministry.

I received a phone call this summer from one of my campus pastors asking if I was interested in helping with the beginnings of Chi Alpha's international student outreach -- they needed a female student leader, and he thought it might be a good fit for me. Honestly, I didn't completely understand what I was getting into. However, I've always loved learning about other cultures and countries, and after traveling to Haiti this summer, I've discovered how contagious travel is, and how amazing it can be to have friendships with non-Americans. Being able to make these relationships, while in the context of encouraging questions about God, sounded like it would be an awesome experience. Plus, in the back of my mind, I've always wanted to work in another country (my degree will be in teaching), and this seemed like a good way to see if that was definitely a calling that I saw myself following through with, or if it was just a pipe dream.

Yasuko & me at the football game

It was a tentative start, trying to make connections with any international students that seemed interested in our Friday night "Talk Time" events. I'm pretty friendly, but my introverted nature likes to be the one listening and replying to the conversation and not the one who's constantly initiating conversation. In the case of international ministry, I definitely have had to get outside of my box. I've been learning how to ask questions, and to ask questions that aren't always about their country or culture. I'm always reminding myself that I want to get to know the individuals as well. What would I ask an American about his/herself in order to get to know them better?

The girls who came to camp!
Yayoi, Aggie, Yasuko, Tong, Zhiting, (me) and Beini!
(not pictured) Selina 

Chi Alpha's fall camp was last weekend, and we invited any international students who wanted to come along. What a blessing -- 15 decided to come!! 7 girls and 8 guys, and so I was in a cabin with the 7 girls, while Weston and Jake are the leaders on the guy side. I had such a fun time over the course of the weekend with all of them.  :) We laughed a lot, made all kinds of dumb jokes, and had some great conversation. (I can now say "I do not speak insert-language-here" in 5 languages!) For almost all of them who came, they were at square 1 as far as knowing anything about Christianity or the Bible, or why we do what we do in church at all. That was really intimidating for me - I was so nervous about explaining things wrong, or in a way that would be offensive, or hurtful, to anything that they thought/believed/had been told. In our discussion groups, we talked mostly about their different questions about Christianity, what the Bible said about certain topics, etc. On our second night there, I felt like I needed to explain a general overview of what Christians believe, and so I tried to lay out the Gospel story in as concise and simple terms as possible. It was kind of scary, and yet really exciting, that so many of these girls were at least curious to hear and observe what I believe. And it challenged me to really think through the "whys" and "how comes" of my faith. I hope that some of the girls will have questions, or at least still be interested in learning more, after being at camp.

And let me just re-state, I had such a fabulous time with them! Monday, I didn't see any non-American students all day, and I felt a little bored and lonely by the evening. I just love meeting and spending time with the international women, and I love our interactions as a co-ed XAi group as well! I've started to think and pray about inviting a few girls home with me for Thanksgiving break. It's just a matter of finding those who don't already have plans, and who I think would be willing to spend an entire week with me! haha....

Yota & Yoshi being...
well, Yota & Yoshi.

As far as what I have learned over the last 7-8 weeks...well, I was really unsure. At camp, I kept trying to understand what God wanted me to really take away from the weekend. I thought that each sermon was good, but different from the others, and our discussion group times and international interactions didn't seem to fit in with what the sermons were on. However....at camp sharing on Wednesday, I finally read over all of my notes from the weekend, and listened to everyone else's testimonies and I think I figured it out. Almost all of my sermon notes had something to do with fear. Seriously, every service, I made some note about what I shouldn't fear, or wrote down prayers to God confessing my fear of a certain aspect. And then thinking about the time with the international students, it was definitely a time of facing fears. Fears of being incapable of sharing my faith, fears of being too difficult to understand, fears that they wouldn't want to be my friend.... all things that I had to deal with head on. God's also shown me a few places personally where I have fears about Him.  So yeah, I guess there was one big take-away. I've definitely got a lot of growing to do.

Yayoi & me!
<3 this girl!

I'm going to a conference in December called the World Missions Summit -- it's basically 4000 college students from XA groups all over the country, and 1000 missionaries from all over the world. While the  details of what we'll actually do over the course of 3 days are still a little fuzzy, I know that I'm bursting with anticipation. The idea of hearing and learning about more of the world, and finding out opportunities to go and serve and love in other places.....I'm just excited. I know God's going to challenge me, and I'm looking forward to seeing what that means. I'm such a home-body, and I love roots, family, old friendships, and traditions. But at the same time, there's a part of my spirit that just wants to go, and see, and do. A part of me that's so excited at the thought of leaving the country and going to experience life somewhere else. I don't know how those two will ever find a happy medium, but I'm trusting God to use both sides for some grand plan that I just haven't seen happen yet. And as all of this has been progressing this summer, I've found myself wanting more and more to study a 3rd language.

Until that point, I'm loving my chances to connect with the people who have already come to this country, and are just looking for integration into the American culture. Little do they know, that there's a bigger family out there waiting to connect with them. These are my future brothers and sisters in Christ - I want to know that I'll see them in eternity! Because they are such fun to party with!  ;)

Hanging out waiting for lunch

*You Said, Shane & Shane

"You broke my chains of sin and shame...and covered me with grace"

Alright -- now that the slightly depressing and out-of-character entry about the summer has been written and posted, I think it's only fair for it to be followed by an optimistic post.

I've been really happy to be back in school, back in Pullman.  I love it - even as my differential equations homework is infinitely frustrating, and even when I'm up at 6:30 am and have to make it through 13 hours of work, classes and evening commitments without a break to speak of. Why? Because this is just my place now, the work I do, the relationships I have...they're here. Despite all of the craziness, the comfort of knowing that there are 17,000 other people on campus who can understand what your pace of life is like, can sympathize with the stress, and celebrate the successes, is really refreshing.

The semester's busier than I expected it to be -- while I'm only taking 14 credits, they're intense classes. Add on my Chi Alpha commitments, a part-time job, and living sans-RDA, I have plenty to do and plenty to keep me occupied. However, next week is the beginning of week 5, and I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet! So I think we'll continue to be okay. ;)  I love living in Honors - this is by far my favorite situation yet! Having a kitchen, a couch, a much-more-private bathroom...and 5 other girls to share it with? Great! The study lounge is close, my first class is right downstairs, and I can look out my window onto Thompson Flats.

Now to explain the song lyrics that inspired this post.  The song is called "I Am Set Free" by All Sons and Daughters. The verse and chorus progression goes like this:

You broke my chains of sin and shame
And You covered me with grace
And You mend my life with Your holy fire
You cover me with grace

And You are the hand that reaches out to save

And i am set free, oh oh oh
i am set free, oh oh oh
It is for freedom that i am set free 

I was walking between classes one day at the beginning of the semester, and this song came on my iPod. I hadn't listened to it in a long time, and as it played, I just connected with the lyrics in a different way than before. See, this connection has several parts. 

1) I just recently reached my 4 month anniversary of not biting my nails. I know it doesn't sound like much, but hear me out. I haven't had actual fingernails for as long as I can remember. I have zero memory of deciding to start biting them, I just always have. I don't know if its a stress-induced thing, or a weird psychological thing, or I read about a character a book who did and wanted to try, or what. And all my life, everyone tells me to stop. That I should quit, that I'd have prettier hands if I had fingernails. Told me that my nails would one day stop growing and I'd never have the chance to have pretty fingers. Believe me, I wanted to quit. I wished I could. Off and on for years, I'd make it a week or two, my nails would grow a little bit...and then I'd fall back into it. I prayed for strength to stop, I  cried over it, I criticized myself for it, I couldn't quit. My sophomore year in college I finally decided to try acrylic nails for a few months. I hated the feel of acrylics, but I loved the way my hands looked. They came off shortly after Thanksgiving break, and I managed to keep my real nails for a few weeks. But between finals week, and 3 weeks back at home, where people pretty much "expected" I would start biting again...I did. Then I went to Haiti. 

Honestly, I think I was just afraid to get a parasite and die, so I decided that I would take a lot of gum, and work really hard to leave my nails alone while we were there, just in case there was some evil micro-organism-thing in the dirt or the food or whatever that got on my hands. So I did. I made it the full two weeks. And then I came home, and I was just done. I bought a nail file, and nail polish, and went to town. I have no desire to bite anymore. I honestly don't want to. I'm claiming freedom from that habit, and I'm doing a little celebratory dance every month that goes by. That habit was chaining me down -- I was ashamed. I let it affect my self-esteem, and I felt guilty every day. Finally, after 15+ years, I feel freed. 

2) This one is going to be harder to put into words. I can't give a lot of details, because I don't want my personal struggles to be completely publicized on the web. The short story is this. I've fought with a particular sin in my life for about 4 years now. I've known that this was an unhealthy thing for me - that my thought pattern was dangerous and wrong, but haven't been able to shake it. Okay, as with all vices, it's partially that we "can't" shake it, and partly that we don't want to give it up quite yet. Fear of the unknown, fear of living without the issue, is often a strong motivator to remain in those patterns. In the last year, I was increasingly convicted of the attitudes in my heart, and my refusal to take action to change them. I'd been praying, asking God to help me, to make it stop. I've been confused about what to do, as all of my ideas for how to get out from under this burden seemed to either be failing, or be impossible to actually carry out.

My first week on campus this semester, I finally had a breakthrough. I had both a spiritual and a  physical affirmation that I was freed from this sin. To be honest, I had almost given up hope that it would ever happen. Thankfully, God accepts broken people. He waits for us to throw up our hands in exasperation and cry "I can't do this anymore!", because that's when we will fully surrender ourselves to Him. As many times as I thought  I'd gotten to that point, apparently I never completely had. When I realized that God had removed those thoughts and attitudes from me, and that I was not tied down by them anymore, I wanted to cry with happiness. Even though for a while, it's like a bird who finally has its cage door opened and is afraid to fly out, I knew the door was finally open. Slowly and surely, I am now able to move forward, and to claim the freedom that comes from an open door, and a promise that there is life beyond my cage.  My chain of sin has been broken. I choose to claim that as truth. 

Needless to say, these two events both coincided amazingly with the song for today's post. My chains are broken, and have been replaced with a covering of grace. Constantly, I am covered by grace, and I am reached out to by a Hand that has no reason to reach for me. I am set free. 

*I Am Set Free, All Sons and Daughters

Summer of Silence

     For two years, I've been keeping this blog, and every entry I have successfully titled with song lyrics. Representative of the music that I'm so often listening to, singing, or imagining the beat in my head. This entry has no lyrics. It has no theme song, no background music. Trying to cover the events of the past 4 months since my last entry could never be captured in one short line, or one poetic chorus. My head, my heart, my emotions tried all summer long to create a song that would encompass all of the emotions that I felt and the activities that I did, but each valiant effort was met with nothing. No sound, no melody, not even a faint drum beat. This summer was met with silence.

    I'm going to be skimming over a lot of details as I write this entry, and that's intentional. I don't want to share everything that happened with the world. Some things are just meant to be kept in the recesses of my brain, especially as I continue to sort them out. Really, this entry is for the sake of my future self - when 10 years down the road, I ask "what did I do May-August 2012?".

    May can be condensed into one word. Haiti. Some of the best days of my life, without a doubt. The chance to build friendships with some amazing people, friends that I may not see again until heaven, was priceless and powerful. And all of those people who, for the past 5 years, have asked at one time or another  "French? Why don't you take Spanish? Everyone speaks Spanish these days." were proven wrong. Haitians speak French. I thanked God every day I was in Haiti for the ability to understand them. Having conversations with teenagers about real life, and God, and even things like boys, all in French? Amazing. God encouraged my spirit in Haiti. I saw how people in other countries are above all else, still people. I learned how little I need to be happy. Returning to the United States was hard. I wasn't ready to leave, and I wasn't extremely thrilled to be home. It's impossible to explain the feelings and events to someone who hasn't been there...and I realized why people often come back from mission trips and aren't able to just talk about what happened. It would take me hours, and even then I would forget something. Amazing is really the best descriptor there is.

   post-Haiti through June hit every possible emotional button that I have. Watching my roommate struggle through a lot of family drama and health problems, all the while having no way to help. Re-living my senior year in high school as my brother graduated from high school and made his preparation for college. Catching up with friends from home. Searching every day for a job, sending out dozens of applications, having four interviews, and every time being turned down. Watching my "sister" slowly lose her battle with cancer, and having to be put down. Mom lost her job (but eventually the funding came in for her to get it back). Needless to say, I was ready to go back to Pullman by the end of June.

    July and August were slower as far as "big events" go, but they were still just emotionally frustrating. I've felt so displaced. I want to be connected with those at home, but as I try more, I seem to fail. Oh, and this was also the summer of babies and engagements. Yes, sometimes in that order. I know of at least 6 people who were posting 'hey, I'm pregnant' pictures on facebook on a regular (often too regular) basis. I think only 2 of them are actually married. Add that to the 4 engagement announcements and 1 or 2 new "relationship statuses"...it makes me nervous to log on every day and see what next. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm old enough for all of this to be happening. It's a weird balance between feeling left behind/out since that's not where I'm at in life right now, and disconnected for the same reason. I'm just in college. Goin' to school. I'm not working a full-time job like some people. I'm not married, or even close to it. Definitely not pregnant. I'm just going to school. Living in the college world where time stands still, and our only major life events revolve around final exams and frat parties. Because this life is so different from what other people are doing, I yearned to get back to it. To feel validated in what I was doing. Moving back in was an eagerly anticipated event.
   
     Of course, as fate would have it, the last week of my summer was probably the most fun that I had (excepting Haiti), and the old feeling of "I don't wanna leave yet" returned just in time for me to actually have to leave.

    Where was God in all of this? He was both evident constantly, and yet elusive. I learned about trusting for His provision, and about letting Him comfort and take my cares. Primarily though, I was hearing over and over, new ways to explain how God loves. It's a crazy contrast, because even as I came out of summer understanding God's love in a new way, I also felt that for a majority of the summer, God was very silent. I had to seek Him out - track Him down when I needed to hear His voice. I did a lot of waiting. Which, in my lifestyle that is often motivated to never stop, having my schedule come to a grinding halt for 8+ weeks... was really hard. I didn't enjoy those times, but I did learn to appreciate their importance.  Realizing that everything in every aspect of my life was out of my control, and being forced to wait on God as the only stability.

   I have no doubt that this was my lesson. In the storm, be still. And know that He is God.