"And I just wanna tell you...it takes everything in me not to call you...."

Ah yes. The traditional "end of the semester", Lane's-getting-all-contemplative-now blog entry has finally arrived! Surprise, surprise!

It's Wednesday night of finals week, well, technically Thursday morning. I had my first exam today, and my next one tomorrow. It's been a long 48 hours of nothing but math. I need an English break. Hahaha. Plus, when I study for math tests, I usually need to be in a bit of a bubble. This has meant that I've had almost 3 days to just be alone in my own head. And my head is a scary place to be alone in.

I really can't believe how fast the semester has been going. The only reason I am excited to go home is because it means that the intensity of finals week is finally over. Otherwise, I really don't have a need to. Sad, but true. Because of everything that's happened with Nana and her side of the family this year, I've seen a lot of my parents this semester. Which is great, but it does diminish the "I'm so excited to see you" feeling that usually comes with a break from school. I'm excited for a certain wedding *cough Weston&Allison cough* and also for the World Mission Summit! Those will be highlights for sure. But I can't wait to get back to Pullman once break is over, and take on this next semester. Not class wise, those will be okay, but nothing special. What I'm excited for is the spring semester with my international friends.

Making snowflakes at Talk Time
(Aika, Sayaka, Natsumi Y)

Putting my eyes on Yasuko's face
Such a fun game to play with
people's iPhones!

I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure out new strategies for getting to know some of the girls, but it has. Somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I realized a key difference between American and other cultures. In the US, we invite a ton of people to events, and if they show up, then we assume they want to be friends. If they don't, we write them off. And at the beginning of the year, that's how I thought about the exchange students - when they came, those were the people who wanted to be friends with me. The others just weren't interested. Mistake #1. I found out that in other cultures, it's uncommon to show up to events without a specific contact who will be there. Aka: if you don't know the people going, you don't go. Which means, if I want new students to feel comfortable coming to big events, we have to be friends one-on-one first. As soon as that lightbulb came on, I've been a girl on a mission, trying to set up as many "hang out/coffee dates" as I possibly could these past 3 weeks. And they have been so much fun! In getting to know the girls individually, it's easier for them to understand that I want to be friends. And it has also increased the attendance at XA events. Next semester, believe me, I plan to continue this.

There's still a part of me that wishes I could be inside their heads for a minute. See if they actually consider me a friend, or just that obnoxious American who always wants to hang out. Lol. I try not to second guess myself, but I get scared or self conscious a lot. And we're going to have to cross the bridge from "just because" friends to "because Jesus loves you" friends soon. I'm nervous about those conversations, but at the same time, I know they need to happen! I love them all so much, and I want to see them in heaven. Therefore, my comfort takes the backseat.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I've found passion. Seriously, it's like I'm on a whole new playing field with my engagement. I did think that I knew what it was like to be excited about something, but looking back, the difference in my mental and emotional state is so drastic! It's like I've lived my whole life in an apartment with a beautiful view...and I finally discovered that there's a door to go outside and experience it for myself!

Me and Aggie
She's gone next semester to Italy,
but coming back next year! Yay!

People don't understand it. That is the cold reality that I keep running into, but it's true. People don't have the passion the way I do. It's okay, I understand. Not everyone is given the same desires and hearts for service - otherwise only one group of people would ever be served. And I have had many more opportunities to be involved with intercultural groups than a lot of people. So, I knew in my head that I was different now. But after Thanksgiving, I really know it. It's hard to talk to someone about XAi who isn't here in Pullman, watching what we do and knowing who I am, and who my friends are. I can try, but so often the reactions are...dull? Which is hard, I admit. I need to learn from this - when someone is passionate about an outreach, even if I don't get it, I need to try and understand what they're feeling and seeing. I need to value their contribution to the Kingdom.

I think I'm gonna be a little bit lonely over break, not seeing any of my American or international friends from Pullman. And possibly spending Christmas..by myself. Yeah, we'll blog more about that if it comes to fruition. I will get to see some friends from Longview. But that kind of comes with mixed emotions, if I'm being completely honest. I have some tough conversations that need to be had. I hate watching people I love make reckless or rash decisions, and I hate confrontations. So, it won't be easy for me. I also have a person or two who I talked to a lot last year, that has since cut off any conversation with me. Frankly, that hurts. I can't do anything to change it, and I certainly don't plan  to say "Hey, why are you acting like I don't exist anymore?" when I (inevitably) run into them. Nope. I'll make polite small talk, and pretend to be fine.

Sorry, depressing last paragraph. Woo, raw honesty. :P

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of taking care of Mezzo, J&J's golden retriever. :) I had a blast hanging out with a dog again....made me miss Sugar a lot though. There are eerie similarities. He and I worked on a "decorating" project while the Stoas were at a conference. It was pretty fun, getting to play the Christmas elf. I'd been teasing them about not having any Christmas decorations up before they asked me to dog sit. It took all of about 12 hours to realize that I now had a golden (haha...pun) opportunity! So yes...I may or may not have cut out some snowflakes...made a paper chain...brought in a 3 foot christmas tree.... (unless they are reading this. In which case, I have NO idea what you mean! ;D )

Okay, it's almost 1:30, and I have to be up in about 6 hours. Probably should wrap this up and call it a night. Tomorrow is "work on French paper", then "study like mad for math final", and then Talk Time! We moved it to Thursday this week, which is great since I'll get another chance to see people before they all leave to go on cool vacations! G'night everyone!

*I Almost Do, Taylor Swift

" I'm trying to fathom all that You are, but so far, Lord, You're so beyond me..."

Seriously, truly, I live one of the most awesome lives that I could ever imagine living. I don't know why  I ever feel dissatisfied or lacking, because I'm not! I'm 100%, completely, incredibly, eternally blessed. So, in the spirit of November, and Thanksgiving, this blog entry is just going to be me...being thankful.

I'm so happy to have the chance to go to a major university, to explore my academic passions and dreams, and to grow my worldview and my knowledge about so many different subjects. I'm thankful for the professors who teach, the fellow students who spur questions and discussion, and for those who are helping me to live there.

I'm thankful for a supportive and fabulous family. For my parents who become more amazing every year, for my little brother and oldest friend who is developing into a man of God, for my grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins, and "adopted" family members that love me and put up with me.

I am so thankful for old friends - the kind that have stuck with me through the crazy fashion phases, the times when I was mean, confusing, sad, hard to deal with, the junior high drama, and still love me and want to share life with me. I'm so happy that no matter what, we can still pick up where we left off after months apart from miles away.

Related, I am daily praising God for my new friends. The people who have chosen to be my friend, to open up to me and be trustworthy enough for me to open up to them. Those who were around for the emotional and maturity roller coaster of freshman year, and those who have joined my heart since. They have added so much blessing and joy to my life, and I continue to learn and grow from their example.

Also, I am thankful for my job. The wide-open door couldn't have come at a better time. I'm thrilled to be working and making money, yes, but also to have a job that I look forward to going to. The cool co-workers are an added bonus. ;)

I'm thankful for leaders and mentors. I couldn't have ever forseen how valuable they would be to my life and my growth, but seriously...without their willingness to invest in me, I would not be in the place that I am today. I've had the most amazing role models, and I can only pray that someday, someone finds me as instrumental as I have found them.

I'm so thankful for health - mental, physical, and emotional. I don't know how I got so lucky to be virtually problem-free, when so many others in this world are not.

I'm thankful for the gift of language, and I'm thankful that God allows me to communicate with people in and from other countries every day! This especially goes for my French-speaking friends in Haiti. Reading those letters last week was the best thing EVER.

God is so good. So good. The fact that I can be driving across the state, afraid of potential snow on the road ahead, and just tell Him that I'm scared....only to get to the pass and find the roads bare and dry surrounded by some of the most beautiful scenery ever? That's a God thing.  So is the fact that I didn't want anything to do with Him, but He died for me anyway. And now, even as I learn (and stumble constantly) to seek and desire His will, and to hear His voice, He's still so infinitely patient and loving....and blesses and affirms me at every turn! The Holy Spirit and my brothers and sisters in Christ alone...more than I ever could ask.

*All I Need, Shawn McDonald

"You said 'Ask and I'll give the nations to you'...oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart..."

Alright....I've got a special topic for this blog entry. Looking back over the last couple, I realize that I have said very little about a new aspect of my life this school year, and one that is rapidly growing close to my heart. International student ministry.

I received a phone call this summer from one of my campus pastors asking if I was interested in helping with the beginnings of Chi Alpha's international student outreach -- they needed a female student leader, and he thought it might be a good fit for me. Honestly, I didn't completely understand what I was getting into. However, I've always loved learning about other cultures and countries, and after traveling to Haiti this summer, I've discovered how contagious travel is, and how amazing it can be to have friendships with non-Americans. Being able to make these relationships, while in the context of encouraging questions about God, sounded like it would be an awesome experience. Plus, in the back of my mind, I've always wanted to work in another country (my degree will be in teaching), and this seemed like a good way to see if that was definitely a calling that I saw myself following through with, or if it was just a pipe dream.

Yasuko & me at the football game

It was a tentative start, trying to make connections with any international students that seemed interested in our Friday night "Talk Time" events. I'm pretty friendly, but my introverted nature likes to be the one listening and replying to the conversation and not the one who's constantly initiating conversation. In the case of international ministry, I definitely have had to get outside of my box. I've been learning how to ask questions, and to ask questions that aren't always about their country or culture. I'm always reminding myself that I want to get to know the individuals as well. What would I ask an American about his/herself in order to get to know them better?

The girls who came to camp!
Yayoi, Aggie, Yasuko, Tong, Zhiting, (me) and Beini!
(not pictured) Selina 

Chi Alpha's fall camp was last weekend, and we invited any international students who wanted to come along. What a blessing -- 15 decided to come!! 7 girls and 8 guys, and so I was in a cabin with the 7 girls, while Weston and Jake are the leaders on the guy side. I had such a fun time over the course of the weekend with all of them.  :) We laughed a lot, made all kinds of dumb jokes, and had some great conversation. (I can now say "I do not speak insert-language-here" in 5 languages!) For almost all of them who came, they were at square 1 as far as knowing anything about Christianity or the Bible, or why we do what we do in church at all. That was really intimidating for me - I was so nervous about explaining things wrong, or in a way that would be offensive, or hurtful, to anything that they thought/believed/had been told. In our discussion groups, we talked mostly about their different questions about Christianity, what the Bible said about certain topics, etc. On our second night there, I felt like I needed to explain a general overview of what Christians believe, and so I tried to lay out the Gospel story in as concise and simple terms as possible. It was kind of scary, and yet really exciting, that so many of these girls were at least curious to hear and observe what I believe. And it challenged me to really think through the "whys" and "how comes" of my faith. I hope that some of the girls will have questions, or at least still be interested in learning more, after being at camp.

And let me just re-state, I had such a fabulous time with them! Monday, I didn't see any non-American students all day, and I felt a little bored and lonely by the evening. I just love meeting and spending time with the international women, and I love our interactions as a co-ed XAi group as well! I've started to think and pray about inviting a few girls home with me for Thanksgiving break. It's just a matter of finding those who don't already have plans, and who I think would be willing to spend an entire week with me! haha....

Yota & Yoshi being...
well, Yota & Yoshi.

As far as what I have learned over the last 7-8 weeks...well, I was really unsure. At camp, I kept trying to understand what God wanted me to really take away from the weekend. I thought that each sermon was good, but different from the others, and our discussion group times and international interactions didn't seem to fit in with what the sermons were on. However....at camp sharing on Wednesday, I finally read over all of my notes from the weekend, and listened to everyone else's testimonies and I think I figured it out. Almost all of my sermon notes had something to do with fear. Seriously, every service, I made some note about what I shouldn't fear, or wrote down prayers to God confessing my fear of a certain aspect. And then thinking about the time with the international students, it was definitely a time of facing fears. Fears of being incapable of sharing my faith, fears of being too difficult to understand, fears that they wouldn't want to be my friend.... all things that I had to deal with head on. God's also shown me a few places personally where I have fears about Him.  So yeah, I guess there was one big take-away. I've definitely got a lot of growing to do.

Yayoi & me!
<3 this girl!

I'm going to a conference in December called the World Missions Summit -- it's basically 4000 college students from XA groups all over the country, and 1000 missionaries from all over the world. While the  details of what we'll actually do over the course of 3 days are still a little fuzzy, I know that I'm bursting with anticipation. The idea of hearing and learning about more of the world, and finding out opportunities to go and serve and love in other places.....I'm just excited. I know God's going to challenge me, and I'm looking forward to seeing what that means. I'm such a home-body, and I love roots, family, old friendships, and traditions. But at the same time, there's a part of my spirit that just wants to go, and see, and do. A part of me that's so excited at the thought of leaving the country and going to experience life somewhere else. I don't know how those two will ever find a happy medium, but I'm trusting God to use both sides for some grand plan that I just haven't seen happen yet. And as all of this has been progressing this summer, I've found myself wanting more and more to study a 3rd language.

Until that point, I'm loving my chances to connect with the people who have already come to this country, and are just looking for integration into the American culture. Little do they know, that there's a bigger family out there waiting to connect with them. These are my future brothers and sisters in Christ - I want to know that I'll see them in eternity! Because they are such fun to party with!  ;)

Hanging out waiting for lunch

*You Said, Shane & Shane

"You broke my chains of sin and shame...and covered me with grace"

Alright -- now that the slightly depressing and out-of-character entry about the summer has been written and posted, I think it's only fair for it to be followed by an optimistic post.

I've been really happy to be back in school, back in Pullman.  I love it - even as my differential equations homework is infinitely frustrating, and even when I'm up at 6:30 am and have to make it through 13 hours of work, classes and evening commitments without a break to speak of. Why? Because this is just my place now, the work I do, the relationships I have...they're here. Despite all of the craziness, the comfort of knowing that there are 17,000 other people on campus who can understand what your pace of life is like, can sympathize with the stress, and celebrate the successes, is really refreshing.

The semester's busier than I expected it to be -- while I'm only taking 14 credits, they're intense classes. Add on my Chi Alpha commitments, a part-time job, and living sans-RDA, I have plenty to do and plenty to keep me occupied. However, next week is the beginning of week 5, and I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet! So I think we'll continue to be okay. ;)  I love living in Honors - this is by far my favorite situation yet! Having a kitchen, a couch, a much-more-private bathroom...and 5 other girls to share it with? Great! The study lounge is close, my first class is right downstairs, and I can look out my window onto Thompson Flats.

Now to explain the song lyrics that inspired this post.  The song is called "I Am Set Free" by All Sons and Daughters. The verse and chorus progression goes like this:

You broke my chains of sin and shame
And You covered me with grace
And You mend my life with Your holy fire
You cover me with grace

And You are the hand that reaches out to save

And i am set free, oh oh oh
i am set free, oh oh oh
It is for freedom that i am set free 

I was walking between classes one day at the beginning of the semester, and this song came on my iPod. I hadn't listened to it in a long time, and as it played, I just connected with the lyrics in a different way than before. See, this connection has several parts. 

1) I just recently reached my 4 month anniversary of not biting my nails. I know it doesn't sound like much, but hear me out. I haven't had actual fingernails for as long as I can remember. I have zero memory of deciding to start biting them, I just always have. I don't know if its a stress-induced thing, or a weird psychological thing, or I read about a character a book who did and wanted to try, or what. And all my life, everyone tells me to stop. That I should quit, that I'd have prettier hands if I had fingernails. Told me that my nails would one day stop growing and I'd never have the chance to have pretty fingers. Believe me, I wanted to quit. I wished I could. Off and on for years, I'd make it a week or two, my nails would grow a little bit...and then I'd fall back into it. I prayed for strength to stop, I  cried over it, I criticized myself for it, I couldn't quit. My sophomore year in college I finally decided to try acrylic nails for a few months. I hated the feel of acrylics, but I loved the way my hands looked. They came off shortly after Thanksgiving break, and I managed to keep my real nails for a few weeks. But between finals week, and 3 weeks back at home, where people pretty much "expected" I would start biting again...I did. Then I went to Haiti. 

Honestly, I think I was just afraid to get a parasite and die, so I decided that I would take a lot of gum, and work really hard to leave my nails alone while we were there, just in case there was some evil micro-organism-thing in the dirt or the food or whatever that got on my hands. So I did. I made it the full two weeks. And then I came home, and I was just done. I bought a nail file, and nail polish, and went to town. I have no desire to bite anymore. I honestly don't want to. I'm claiming freedom from that habit, and I'm doing a little celebratory dance every month that goes by. That habit was chaining me down -- I was ashamed. I let it affect my self-esteem, and I felt guilty every day. Finally, after 15+ years, I feel freed. 

2) This one is going to be harder to put into words. I can't give a lot of details, because I don't want my personal struggles to be completely publicized on the web. The short story is this. I've fought with a particular sin in my life for about 4 years now. I've known that this was an unhealthy thing for me - that my thought pattern was dangerous and wrong, but haven't been able to shake it. Okay, as with all vices, it's partially that we "can't" shake it, and partly that we don't want to give it up quite yet. Fear of the unknown, fear of living without the issue, is often a strong motivator to remain in those patterns. In the last year, I was increasingly convicted of the attitudes in my heart, and my refusal to take action to change them. I'd been praying, asking God to help me, to make it stop. I've been confused about what to do, as all of my ideas for how to get out from under this burden seemed to either be failing, or be impossible to actually carry out.

My first week on campus this semester, I finally had a breakthrough. I had both a spiritual and a  physical affirmation that I was freed from this sin. To be honest, I had almost given up hope that it would ever happen. Thankfully, God accepts broken people. He waits for us to throw up our hands in exasperation and cry "I can't do this anymore!", because that's when we will fully surrender ourselves to Him. As many times as I thought  I'd gotten to that point, apparently I never completely had. When I realized that God had removed those thoughts and attitudes from me, and that I was not tied down by them anymore, I wanted to cry with happiness. Even though for a while, it's like a bird who finally has its cage door opened and is afraid to fly out, I knew the door was finally open. Slowly and surely, I am now able to move forward, and to claim the freedom that comes from an open door, and a promise that there is life beyond my cage.  My chain of sin has been broken. I choose to claim that as truth. 

Needless to say, these two events both coincided amazingly with the song for today's post. My chains are broken, and have been replaced with a covering of grace. Constantly, I am covered by grace, and I am reached out to by a Hand that has no reason to reach for me. I am set free. 

*I Am Set Free, All Sons and Daughters

Summer of Silence

     For two years, I've been keeping this blog, and every entry I have successfully titled with song lyrics. Representative of the music that I'm so often listening to, singing, or imagining the beat in my head. This entry has no lyrics. It has no theme song, no background music. Trying to cover the events of the past 4 months since my last entry could never be captured in one short line, or one poetic chorus. My head, my heart, my emotions tried all summer long to create a song that would encompass all of the emotions that I felt and the activities that I did, but each valiant effort was met with nothing. No sound, no melody, not even a faint drum beat. This summer was met with silence.

    I'm going to be skimming over a lot of details as I write this entry, and that's intentional. I don't want to share everything that happened with the world. Some things are just meant to be kept in the recesses of my brain, especially as I continue to sort them out. Really, this entry is for the sake of my future self - when 10 years down the road, I ask "what did I do May-August 2012?".

    May can be condensed into one word. Haiti. Some of the best days of my life, without a doubt. The chance to build friendships with some amazing people, friends that I may not see again until heaven, was priceless and powerful. And all of those people who, for the past 5 years, have asked at one time or another  "French? Why don't you take Spanish? Everyone speaks Spanish these days." were proven wrong. Haitians speak French. I thanked God every day I was in Haiti for the ability to understand them. Having conversations with teenagers about real life, and God, and even things like boys, all in French? Amazing. God encouraged my spirit in Haiti. I saw how people in other countries are above all else, still people. I learned how little I need to be happy. Returning to the United States was hard. I wasn't ready to leave, and I wasn't extremely thrilled to be home. It's impossible to explain the feelings and events to someone who hasn't been there...and I realized why people often come back from mission trips and aren't able to just talk about what happened. It would take me hours, and even then I would forget something. Amazing is really the best descriptor there is.

   post-Haiti through June hit every possible emotional button that I have. Watching my roommate struggle through a lot of family drama and health problems, all the while having no way to help. Re-living my senior year in high school as my brother graduated from high school and made his preparation for college. Catching up with friends from home. Searching every day for a job, sending out dozens of applications, having four interviews, and every time being turned down. Watching my "sister" slowly lose her battle with cancer, and having to be put down. Mom lost her job (but eventually the funding came in for her to get it back). Needless to say, I was ready to go back to Pullman by the end of June.

    July and August were slower as far as "big events" go, but they were still just emotionally frustrating. I've felt so displaced. I want to be connected with those at home, but as I try more, I seem to fail. Oh, and this was also the summer of babies and engagements. Yes, sometimes in that order. I know of at least 6 people who were posting 'hey, I'm pregnant' pictures on facebook on a regular (often too regular) basis. I think only 2 of them are actually married. Add that to the 4 engagement announcements and 1 or 2 new "relationship statuses"...it makes me nervous to log on every day and see what next. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm old enough for all of this to be happening. It's a weird balance between feeling left behind/out since that's not where I'm at in life right now, and disconnected for the same reason. I'm just in college. Goin' to school. I'm not working a full-time job like some people. I'm not married, or even close to it. Definitely not pregnant. I'm just going to school. Living in the college world where time stands still, and our only major life events revolve around final exams and frat parties. Because this life is so different from what other people are doing, I yearned to get back to it. To feel validated in what I was doing. Moving back in was an eagerly anticipated event.
   
     Of course, as fate would have it, the last week of my summer was probably the most fun that I had (excepting Haiti), and the old feeling of "I don't wanna leave yet" returned just in time for me to actually have to leave.

    Where was God in all of this? He was both evident constantly, and yet elusive. I learned about trusting for His provision, and about letting Him comfort and take my cares. Primarily though, I was hearing over and over, new ways to explain how God loves. It's a crazy contrast, because even as I came out of summer understanding God's love in a new way, I also felt that for a majority of the summer, God was very silent. I had to seek Him out - track Him down when I needed to hear His voice. I did a lot of waiting. Which, in my lifestyle that is often motivated to never stop, having my schedule come to a grinding halt for 8+ weeks... was really hard. I didn't enjoy those times, but I did learn to appreciate their importance.  Realizing that everything in every aspect of my life was out of my control, and being forced to wait on God as the only stability.

   I have no doubt that this was my lesson. In the storm, be still. And know that He is God.

"But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell...You don't know...You don't know you're beautiful"

Yep! It's me again, guys. Time for an update on life, and since I'm procrastinating getting any 'real' work done this evening, it's the perfect opportunity!

Definitely had a test like this
a few weeks ago....

Man, where do I even start? There's just so much swirling through my brain lately, and so I will do my best to spit out some organized thoughts. Let's just start with the usual. School. Only 13 days of the semester left! Where did this year go? I have no idea! I'm 20, and have been out of high school for nearly 2 years. It doesn't feel possible, but at the same time, 2 years ago feels so far away, it must have been at 'least' that long. I was going through some old pictures tonight, and memories just come flooding back! It's true that a picture really is worth 1000 words. All of the stories of those days are still there as soon as I see the photo. Makes me remember that i need to keep taking pictures while I'm here at WSU. Soon, I'm sure, these days will also feel very distant.

Classes are going well, but I'm just about burnt out. It's that point where my brain is saying, "It doesn't matter what score you get, it will all be over soon!" Which is a lie....I do need to still focus on my grades, and study. For some reason, April just gets busier and busier though! I feel so overwhelmed with my responsibilities outside of classes, that simply getting my required homework done is a major achievement. I will survive. And summer will get here, Lord willing.

Me, Herman Boone (Remember the Titans),
and Grace.  :D  Loved getting to hear
this guy speak. 

But something I'm beginning to realize more and more, is how much God has blessed me with amazing people in my life here. Seriously, I can't imagine not knowing these guys and girls! And a mere 24 months ago, I had no clue that they even existed. No concept of what awesome friends were waiting for me! It's so much fun, because as I mature and grow in my faith and in my confidence of who I am, it's getting easier and easier to "make" friends. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it, but I can! Epic win! To any of you who read this, thank you for being willing to let me into your life. Thank you for showing me what deep friendships can be - and that they can exist with people that I haven't known for 15 years!

Front of Honors Hall -
my home next semester!

Next semester looks a little bit lighter school-wise. I'm forcing myself to take less credits. Yes, you read that correctly. Forcing to take LESS. I just don't want to kill myself with overcommitments. I'm a chronic "yes-man" when it comes to doing things, and I love to think I can be superwoman - friend, leader, full time student, volunteer, dutiful granddaughter, roommate, outreach coordinator...insert other title here. But let's be real. I can't do it all if I want to do it well. And in my discussions with God, I have been challenged to learn how to rest, and find his presence in those times. Next year, I'm only taking 5 classes, one of which is band. I'm still going to lead a small group, and I think I need to either join a non-Christian club or work part time, but that should feel a lot easier to manage with only 14 credits. Living in Honors will give me some chances to be domestic and make new and (hopefully) intentional missional friendships with the girls in my & Brianna's suite. I'm so stoked!  :)

As far as summer goes, I have been applying for jobs like nobody's business. Seriously. I've sent out at least 15 applications in the last 3 weeks, with cold calls to another 5 or so places outside of those. Macy's wants me to interview again, so I think I can definitely get back on there, but I need more hours than last summer. So I'm preparing for the possibility of working 2 part-time jobs to make a bunch of $$ over the summer. Life is just expensive! And I've overspent a little this semester, with XA stuff and preparing for Haiti especially. If I can work 40 or more hours a week, I'm pretty okay with that. I won't be taking any LCC classes, so the time should be there.

Such beautiful faces!
Praying for God to truly use and grow
me while our team is there.

Only 2.5 weeks until the Haiti trip!! God has been so faithful in bringing in all of the funds that I need and then some. It's a testimony and an answer to prayer all in one. Our team is fantastic, and we have a great sense of camaraderie! Really looking forward to getting there, working with the kids, and hopefully using my French skills to build connections with the people. What is strange? I'm almost expecting God to call me to something while we are there. I just have this sense of anticipation about my future surrounding this trip to Haiti. And it might not be a call to Haiti or anything, but I just have a feeling. Should be interesting to see. I don't know if I'll blog or not again before departure, but I will have a blog or two for sure after returning. Hopefully a TON of pictures as well!

Okay, I should really sign off for tonight. The lyrics titling today's post just make me happy. Nothing related to the subject of the entry, but I love the song.

*What Makes You Beautiful, One Direction

"It's the moment when humanity...is overcome by majesty..."

Soul Collisions

It’s on nights like these

Nights when I’ve been up too late, worked too hard

Or not hard enough

It’s those times when the week has been almost too good

When I’m almost able to imagine what Earth was supposed to be like

Harmony, honesty, love…..communion with You

That’s when the doubts start to creep in

And the questions

It’s the questions that are the worst. Because they don’t have any answers

There’s no clear-cut yes, or no.

You don’t provide us with an agenda of our lives upon birth.

You don’t give us to-do lists, or calendars.

People say that the Bible is a road map, but honestly, Lord,

Sometimes I don’t even know what highway I’m on.

So here I am. Hoping and praying that the road I’m trying to follow

is actually the one that I am on.

You told me that You’d be with me.

Time and time again, You prove Your faithfulness

And, God! You always show up!

You never fail to provide. You never fail to overwhelm me.

I look behind me and see all of the places where You were.

Places that I didn’t think you had plans for? Surprise!

They say hindsight is 20/20. My hindsight shows that Your timing is always best.

Why then are you so full of distrust, oh, soul?

Why do you fill up with these desires, these thoughts, these attitudes

That are not from God?

Why do you continue to run to the safe place of your sin?

Your Father is there! He has proven Himself to you.

And still, this heart struggles to believe.

It fights away the feelings of doubt. Of worry.

That maybe this time You forgot about me.

After all, I am so small. So insignificant. So unworthy of notice.

There are places inside that ache. There are holes that aren’t filled.

All the temporary band-aids that I slap over them never last.

I want to cut this darkness out!

 I long for the day when this flesh no longer holds me back.

Seek strength in Me, You say. Find your identity in who I say you are!

Father, I long to be at that place.

That place where my worries of what, and when, and how all disappear.

That place where I can sit at your feet and find complete satisfaction.

That place where inside me burns a constant desire to know you more

That place where I am willing to bare my life before you

And have you know me.

Lord, be the strength for this battle.

I am so weak. So frail. So filthy compared to Your holiness.

I can’t do anything without you.

I can’t find answers to the questions that haunt me.

I am not satisfied by the solutions the world gives.

But Jesus, eventually, I just want to stop looking for solutions.

Help me not to give up.

Let your faithfulness override my foolishness.

Speak into my spirit. As my Counselor, my Friend, my King, my Lover

Stand by my side.

For I thirst for your companionship. I desperately crave your presence.

And nothing else can satisfy this soul.

*The Hurt and the Healer, Mercy  Me

"And I lift my hands and pray... to be only yours, I pray..."

Hello again, world! :) It's March!! I'm just flabbergasted how fast this year has gone. It seems like a long time - 8 more weeks until summer, but at the same time, 8 weeks is nothing! Home right now for Spring Break, it's great. Enjoying some serious down time, and got to spend a couple days in Seattle with some really good friends, which was very much needed.

I know I'll blink and it will be May, and I'll be taking finals again. I'm amazed at my own improvement in time management skills -- I was worried that this semester I'd taken on too much and would have to drop a class. Good news is, I won't have to drop anything! Did I take on too much? Probably. I'm recognizing that I overcommit myself as a way to prove myself. Next semester, the goal is to back off in that regard. I need time to invest more in my relationships, and maybe maintain a part-time job. We'll see -- it's still going to be challenging to make myself do that.

I'm going to be living in a suite next year! Honors 435D. It's going to be so great to share 2 showers with only 5 other people, instead of 4 showers with 50 people. We also have a mini-living room and a "kitchenette" which is basically a microwave, prep sink, mini fridge, and a big countertop/built in cupboards. But I can't wait! I'm not going to have a meal plan, so I'll be cooking for myself most of the time. I figured that saving over $1000 per semester is going to be worth the extra time it will take me to experiment and plan meals. I've been letting someone cook my meals for 20 years now, it's probably time to grow up and do it myself. ;) I'll have my same roommate for my bedroom/study space, but we'll share the rest of the suite with 4 other girls. And no, we don't know who they are. I like the mystery of it!

What else has happened... Hm... I guess I can give an update on the mission trip! I got my passport in the mail this week! The United States government has officially given me permission to flee the country. Lol. Which I plan on doing in.... wow, less than 2 months. Preparations for the trip to Haiti are going really well. I've been overwhelmed and blessed by God's provision in the fundraising department -- that was my biggest worry, and so far I am about 80% of the way there! We have our flight itinerary and packing list and everything, just need to get all of my skirts and sandals gathered up! Haha. And buy a one piece swimsuit. :P   Blech...I hate suit shopping.

It's been about 2 weeks now, but I actually got to host Longview friends in Pullman! :D I was so happy to have Brady, Josh, Catherine and Sean over for the long weekend. Like, I've never had anyone but family visit me before, since Pullman is definitely NOT on the way to anywhere. They came over for the last bball game of the season, and then we just did the rest of the college life thing. Idk if they had as good of a time as I did, but it was so fun! I think it's because it's like both of my "lives" meeting in the space-time continuum, you know? This weird place where the past and present meet, and you can imagine what it would be like if they were both in the same place all the time. Yeah... twas awesome. And completely worth the craziness before and after.

The "gang" at the  basketball game

Went to The Vine tonight for the first time since the summer. I've been home on Tuesday nights over Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks, but for some reason other things had come up that weren't skippable. It was good to see that the group was doing really well. We did a small group style discussion tonight instead of a sermon, and talked partly about sin vs backsliding/relationship vs legalism and then vision from God (as in, the "Go to Africa" type callings). Really interesting discussion, and gave me plenty to think about. I really enjoyed the passage from Oswald Chambers that we read and talked about. It was similar to another passage I've got on my wall that talks about how God calls and convicts us each individually about different things, and we can't expect everyone to share the same calling and convictions that we have. Good stuff.

Worshipping crowds at the
Rock and Worship Roadshow

I don't know if I can think of anything else super exciting to blog about right now. I'm cuddled under a nice, heavy blanket on the couch, and everyone else has gone to bed. Pandora is playing worship music, and I'm having a really good conversation with a good friend. I'm pretty happy with where everything is at.

*Only Hope, Switchfoot

"Oh you think that you know me....Baby you don't know a thing about me...."

Enjoying my $2 drink on THam's
student promotion day

That's right people... it's February! Month of Super Bowl Sunday, Single's Awareness Day, red & white hearts, Presidents' Day weekend, and only 29 days (because it IS a leap year, after all!). Basketball season is on the downhill slide, and baseball will just barely be getting started. Guess that means that enough has gone by for a new blog post.  :)

Where to start? Sheesh.... My life has been all over the place emotionally in the last couple of weeks. I don't even know how much of it I should be posting here, and how much of it is just my own personal stuff to mull over. So if I give you too much information, well, I'm sorry. I tried to consolidate, I really did.

Add caption

I suppose the best thing to do first is to get the sappy unnecessary girl stuff out of the way. 2 decades of singlehood! *fist pump here* Well...okay, that won't be official for 9 more days, but let's be realistic. No one in their right mind starts a relationship the week before Valentine's Day. So I will, once again, be celebrating Single's Awareness Day. It's ok. Not knowing any differently means that I rather enjoy my ice cream and chick flick traditions.  When I'm not thinking too hard about it, I find that wayyy less stressful than trying to get all cute and come up with some romantic gift. So no worries there! Plus, after a few things that happened at winter camp this year, the wistfulness that has plagued my heart the last year is gone. Hallelujah! Knowing that you're committing the sin of coveting  and feeling powerless to stop it? Well, that just sucks.

That comment then transitions perfectly into my update about winter camp, I think. See what I did there? ;)  Let me see... winter camp....
It was pretty great. The topic this year was Gideon and his life in the book of Judges. The speakers did an awesome job pulling out a lot of different points: listening to God, humility, being powerless in ourselves, repentance.... I mean, just good stuff. I learned a lot about how much our pride gets in our way. As someone quoted, "Christians need to stop trying to put up a dam in the river of God's will, as if to say 'this work of God passed through me first'." Ain't that the truth! In the long run, it doesn't matter if God worked through ME, all that matters is that God WORKED. Especially as a Corefa this year, I'm trying to be cautious of taking credit for anything that goes on in another person's life. In the reality of it, I did nothing. Saturday night was talking a lot about our own shortcomings. I don't know what came across to other people, but I just felt this need to repent for, well, everything. I remember just walking out  into the side aisle and sitting down. I wanted to have some privacy to just pray and sing in whatever language I needed to, and I don't want my interactions in the Spirit to distract other people around me. So I did. I sat down and just started talking to God. I repented for anything that I could think of, and as I did, the Holy Spirit continued to surround me - stronger than I've felt in a while, actually. As this was going on, I was also asking God about my recent struggles with blessing. I mean, why? I'm overwhelmed with the smooth pathway my life has been on for 20 years now, and have been waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop lately. It even caused me to question how much of a "Christian" I am, not having gone through a lot of trials to prove my faith, you know? I got this vision in my mind of Moses, holding his staff up over the battlefield of the Israelites, and Aaron and Joshua standing next to him, holding his arms up. I felt like God was calling me to hold up the arms of Moses. That's what he wants me to do, at least in this season. How I interpret that? Be there for the other leaders on the front lines. Be steadfast, encouraging, and available to support them. And seek no credit for yourself.  For to whom much is given, much will be required. So I'm going to make that a focus of my ministry within the body -- encouraging and supporting those who are fighting the battle as leaders. That wasn't the only word I received...but the second one, I think I'm going to keep to myself for a while. It's not one that the whole cyber space really needs to hear my interpretation of, at least not yet.

One of these days, I'm supposed to be hosting some peeps from Longview up here for the weekend! And frankly, I am so excited! :) We only have 2 more home basketball weekends, and the idea would be for them to come up here for a game, Resonate, and touring of Pullman/WSU. I'm trying to plan everything out in my mind. Lol. The sooner the better, if you ask me! The downside is, it means I have to constantly be on top of my homework because there won't be much advance notice as to when they'll be here. The upside is, I'll always be caught up on homework! Haha.

Another fun fact...I won the "guess the final game score" for the Super Bowl today! 21-17. Giants. That's right. And they think I don't know my sports! Okay...yes, some of it was just dumb luck.

Well, it's almost midnight and I still have some math homework to get done before tomorrow morning. *sigh* Why can't we have Mondays off every week? That'd be perfect.

G'night!

*Mr. Know It All, Kelly Clarkson

"He will not delay...my refuge and strength always...I will not fear, His promise is true..."

Our tree this year

Welcome, 2012!

It's supposedly the last year of the world according to Mayans. Not like I agree with any of that hype, but still kinda cool to think that I'm living in that year. Man, 2012. I've been alive for parts of 3 different decades! Life goes so fast.

The ladies who went to
the bachelorette party

I've had an awesome time at home for Christmas and New Year's. Leaving tomorrow morning (well, technically this morning) to go back to Pullman and start off the new semester. I'll be at the first 3 days of classes and then it's back on a plane for Alison's wedding!  Craay-zee! I'm looking forward to it a lot though, and hopefully by my next blog will have some pictures to post. I get to pick up their wedding present from me on Thursday. I won't say anything spoiler-ish...but I hope it works out like I planned it. It's funny the social events you don't quite know the etiquette for until you're there. Being in the wedding has been one of those, but I'm learning! And did I mention excited? And amazed? :)

Family Cmas Card Pic

Christmas was really cool this year. Very chill (except for the part where Bubba picked up the wrong suitcase at the airport... :P ) and a lot of quality family time. The older I get, the more you realize how expensive Christmas is! After buying gifts for as many people as I did, and not a lot of expensive gifts at that, I am overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family who buy things for me. You know...I'm just overwhelmed by generosity in general. I'm struggling with that lately, with how to accept all of the free gifts that God has given me.  It's so hard to think about how easy my life is compared to people everywhere! From across the world to my brothers and sisters in Pullman, there are those who have had so many struggles and challenges. I don't understand why God hasn't asked me to walk through those, and I don't feel worthy of the "free ride" that I think I have had. Everyone's different, yes, and has a different story to live, but that seems like such a cop-out answer to what I'm thinking. And then, when struggles DO come, is that because I'm in trouble?? Or because it's finally "my turn" to suffer? I don't know how I'll rectify that in my head. God's been so good...and I just can't fathom it. My natural reaction to that is to feel guilty! But I'm not called to a life of guilt and shame! *sigh* Issues...

Brady in his snazzy new car

This coming semester is going to be hard. Not gonna lie. I'm looking forward to the next chapter, but I also forsee a lot of stress. I'm going to have to be a better time manager and studier than I ever have before. My friends and family need me, my school work needs me, the world needs me, I need to have time with just me and Jesus... And I'm also feeling convicted about being "too busy". I'm a chronic over-committer. If I'm asked, I can't say no, so I just make a litttle more room on my plate. Even God took a Sabbath, though! I'm wondering about doing that this semester, or at least trying to. Working super hard all week, and then having everything done by Saturday night so I can spend Sunday doing nothing "work" related. Still praying about that, but it sounds really awesome as of right now. It's going to require some habit changes though. And those are always hard.

I know this is a short entry, but it's late and I have to get up early in the morning to catch my flight. I'll try and update again soon to make up for it. Thanks for being there, blog-o-sphere!

* Always, Kristian Stanfill